


I'll paint a mural of your smile

by irlhawke



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Bipolar Disorder, Chronic Pain, Marauders, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness, Multi, Other, Trans Character, parental abuse mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-15
Updated: 2014-07-18
Packaged: 2018-02-04 19:29:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 32,937
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1790539
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irlhawke/pseuds/irlhawke
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sirius Black has days when he can hardly get out of bed, and days when he's up and out of the house before anyone else is. Sometimes he wakes his friends in the middle of the night by calling them and daring them to get out of bed, sometimes he doesn't answer James' texts for weeks. Remus Lupin suffers from chronic pains and low self-esteem, always putting other's happiness before his own, never showing his true emotions, even to himself. They've never spoken before now, but it doesn't take Sirius long to sense something different about Remus, something that goes deeper than the other would care to admit. And soon, even Remus understands that not everything is as it should be with the seemingly happy, extroverted and flirtatious rich guy, ordering drinks under funny names in front of him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“Would you just calm down, Pads?” James sighed as they crossed the road, Sirius waving frantically to some girl from their class that obviously tried to avoid eye contact with them. “You're scaring her way, acting like a clown and all. Can't you see she'd rather run to the edge of the world than so much as look at you?”

“That's harsh man, truly,” Sirius laughed back and gave his friend a hard pat on the back, so hard in fact that James stumbled where he walked and almost dropped his shoulder bag in the process. “I thought you'd be happy, now that I'm finally out and about, flirting my way across town like any other bloke my age.”

To this James only laughed and shook his head. He'd already told Sirius how happy he was to see him up on his feet again, and seeing him act just like he normally did in school, if only a bit more exaggerated, was a complete relief for him. Sirius could tell even if his best friend hadn't told him so. James tried to be such a cool kid sometimes, but he was really nothing but a bog softie, caring too much about his friends, forgetting about himself even, a lot of the time.

In fact, right now James was doing just that. Sirius had been locked in his room for two weeks without having the energy to get out of bed, not to mention answering texts or logging onto skype. The first time it had happened after they'd become friends, James had eventually decided to knock on the Black family's front door to make sure Sirius wasn't being locked up, grounded or had done something stupid to himself. He'd found Sirius in bed, too tired to move and instead of trying to get him out of there, James had locked the bedroom door and crawled beneath the dirty covers to lie next to him, refusing to leave the bed until Sirius did so himself. It had not been done in a forcing manner at all, Sirius never felt forced to do anything by James, which was one of the best things about their friendship.

Now, years later, James had grown used to the way Sirius broke down and locked himself up in his room as summer vacation started (grown used to, not to be likened with “accepted” or that he thought it was something good when someone like Sirius felt so bad that at times he couldn't get out of bed for days). But James didn't complain, because he knew that his friend really couldn't help feeling as miserable and down as he did during those weeks at home. Instead, James would drop everything he had previously planned as soon as he got a text from Sirius, no matter how long the silence between them had lasted. He could ditch everything from a family dinner to a date with the girl he liked, all for the chance to cheering Sirius up or hanging about town with him doing nothing at all of importance, just because he knew Sirius needed him.

“I didn't come here to see you flirting though, man,” James answered after a moments silence, as they walked down the busy London street, arm in arm.

“Say no more,” Sirius grinned and crossed his heart with his free hand as he kept going. “I hereby swear not to flirt with any other girl today, or so help me God. James, you're my dear dear friend and I wouldn't want you to feel jealous at all, I'm sorry,”

“Jealous? In your dreams,” James replied but couldn't help but laugh. “And I bet you £10 you'll break that promise before we even leave Starbucks,”

“Make that £20 and you're on, Mr smartypants,”

“Sure,” James agreed and they shook hands on it, before Sirius slipped his hand into James's and pulled him down the street again. When he looked back over his shoulder and saw his friend's confused expression he only grinned in his usual way and tightened his grip.

“If I'm not allowed to flirt, then I think I should eliminate the temptation, don't you?” he explained but when James still looked doubtful, Sirius sighed and winked. “If I'm on a date with someone, do you think someone would be flirting with me? Unlikely. Which is why it would be easier for me not to flirt back,”

“This is cheating, Pads,” James laughed but let himself be led down the sidewalk by the hand nevertheless, glad Sirius was still smiling, glad he was still as happy as he used to be when they were together. “But since I never stated any terms of the agreement I suppose this one's on me,”

“You suppose right, darling,” Sirius only grinned back.

It took them ten more minutes before they reached their predetermined destination, during which people kept staring at them as they walked, Sirius with the biggest grin on his face and James trying not to giggle. They must truly have looked like a happy couple, not to everyone's liking of course, but Sirius didn't seem to mind one bit. In fact he seemed to rather enjoy the attention, which of course didn't come as a surprise to James at all.

For Sirius, walking down the street, hand in hand with James, was like frolicking in heaven. He had been locked up in his room for weeks, without anyone for company but the horrid cat, his screaming mother outside the door or possibly his younger brother popping in to urge him to come down for dinner. Feeling the summer breeze against his skin and his friend's warm palm against his own made him feel a lot like a disney princess. The only thing missing was the dress and the singing voice. The thought made him laugh out loud, earning him a puzzled sigh from James, who didn't seem to understand just how wonderful it was to finally be free from that house again.

Reaching the corner coffee shop and stepping inside, James quickly stated he wanted something cold to drink, which was completely understandable. The small shop was completely packed with people and although it was warmer outside, Sirius could already feel sweat pearls on his brows. It took them a couple of minutes waiting in line and as James sneaked off to nick them a table, he whispered almost inaudibly:

“Get me something tea-ish, will you? With ice and all that junk?”

“Will do, love,” Sirius close to shouted over the crowd, making more than one head turn to look from him to James with curious expressions before they went back to whatever drinks they'd ordered. It took Sirius a good five more minutes or so before he finally reached the counter. During this time he'd already noticed at least five people he would have gladly flirted with, decided on what to drink and what to buy for James, not to mention what he'd eat now that he was finally free to choose his own meal. It wasn't until he came up to the counter though, that he realized he recognized the person standing there, as someone who went to the same school as him and James. This realization was slightly puzzling for him, not that all the students at the university were well off money wise, but he hadn't suspected to see any of them working at Starbucks of all places, on their summer vacation.

“Hey there!” he smiled as he stepped up to the counter, hands in his pockets and eyes meeting the fleeting ones of the boy before him. “I know you, don't I?” he then inquired, to which the other stopped in his tracks and looked up, almost scared, as if he'd been caught doing something he wasn't supposed to.

“I don't think so, no,” he replied quickly and wiped his hands almost nervously on his apron, before he smiled faintly. “What can I do for you?”

“I'd like...” he begun to answer but stalled and pretended he hadn't decided yet. He could immediately see the annoyance in the other's face, no matter how hard he tried to show it and somehow that face was so priceless Sirius just couldn't stop being annoying. He drummed slightly with his fingertips on top of the counter and made humming noises, all while throwing an eye at the other's face now and again, just to see the damage he was doing to his patience.

The other was about the same height as Sirius, and if he remembered correctly they must be about the same age. He gave of this sort of kind feeling, like he was one of those genuinely nice people that would do anything for you if you were their friend. His cheeks were round and rosy from hours behind the counter, no doubt, his back slightly bent under the strain of having to stand on his feet all day. His eyes were just as kind as the rest of him looked and although he kept pulling his fingers through his chestnut colored hair, it didn't stay the way he wanted it to for one minute.

“Sir?” he now asked and Sirius was almost shaken out of a his daydream like state. Where he had gone off to he wasn't sure but he must have been distracted by what was right in front of him, somehow.

“Yeah, sorry,” he quickly smiled, hearing people sigh behind him in disapproval. “I'd like a Strawberry and Caramel frappuccino with whole milk, two shots of Espresso and extra whipped crème, and also a Raspberry swirl pound cake,”

“Alright,” the other guy mumbled as he took the order down. “Can I get your name for your order?”

“That hurts my feelings, you know,” Sirius grinned but quickly tried to look sad as the other looked up. “I'm pretty sure we go to the same university and even have classes together, how come you don't know my name?” At this, the other looked uncomfortable again and threw a quick glance at the crowd behind Sirius' back, as if trying to assess the damage it would do to hold the line up any further. Sirius grinned when he noticed this and leaned against the counter casually before speaking again. “Don't worry about it, I'm sure you'll remember until next time, won't you?”

“I'm sure I will,” he replied and his brows were wrinkled in annoyance, since Sirius still hadn't told him his name.

“The name, my dear, is Elvendork,” Sirius then smiled and immediately someone behind him burst into laughter. It seemed like the guy behind the counter suddenly became a tomato and he quickly avoided Sirius' gaze after that, taking the name down quickly and without asking. “What's yours?” Sirius added, more for the fun of seeing the guy cringe than anything else, but he got no reply.

“We'll call your name when-...” the guy started after a short while but Sirius suddenly remembered that he'd completely forgotten about James' order and quickly interrupted, which didn't seem to go well with the other.

“Sorry, I'm not done, I would also like Shaken iced tea, extra ice,” As the other looked up, looking ready to burst with annoyance, Sirius quickly added a “Please,” and smiled. As the guy sighed and took this order down, Sirius tried to read what name was written on his name tag but failed miserably at this and wondered for a second if he might be in need of glasses. He hated how his mind got so easily distracted on days like this, his thoughts flying in all directions, when on darker days he couldn't get away from organized thoughts even if he tried. There was never an in between for him, or, almost never at least. “The name on that one is “Mr. Smartypants”, if you don't mind?”

“Your word is my command,” was the only answer he was given and frankly, Sirius felt rather pushed aside and decided it might be better to just pay and step away, seeing as half the shop would hate him if he hindered the new customers further.

“Thank you,” he smiled before he left, catching a quick glance from the other before he turned away. He hadn't realized before how pained he looked, almost as if this was the last place on earth he wanted to be. Sirius had always suspected working in a place like this wasn't the most rewarding job, but this guy seemed ready to throw in the towel at any moment. Somehow that made him feel guilty, for the first time in a long while.

“What took you so long?” James asked immediately as Sirius approached their table. He'd chosen one close to the window, it was only a two seat table but a third chair had been pulled up to the side and James had thrown his bag into it, leaving Sirius no choice but to sit opposite him, which he did.

“I had a chat with the guy behind the thing,” he just shrugged and looked out the window. James watched him intently for a little while before sighing.

“Dude,” he said and there was a grin on his face when Sirius looked back at him. “Pay up,”

“What?”

“You lost the bet already,” James explained and even reached his hand out, as if expecting £20 right then and there. “You said you weren't going to flirt with anyone, and you obviously have been flirting in my absence, otherwise it wouldn't have taken you twenty or so minutes to order a couple of drinks.”

“I have NOT been flirting,” he protested, trying to sound upset but he was grinning too much for that to be convincing. “And for your information, I never promised not to flirt in general, I promised not to flirt with another girl. Even if I had been flirting I wouldn't have been breaking any rule in our arrangement,”

“Oh that's low, Pads,” James snorted and looked grumpy. “I wouldn't have taken a bet like that if I knew you'd be free to flirt with guys instead of girls, that just means you can flirt with anyone that isn't a girl, doesn't it? That's not a challenge for you, you know. The challenge would have been to not flirt at all, with anyone,”

“Are you saying you're pulling out of the bet?” Sirius grinned and saw the flickering hint of annoyance appear in James' eyes, just like it had done in the other guys eyes. It was different with James though, Sirius knew him, knew what he could expect when making James annoyed with him. Annoying strangers was a lot more fun, it seemed.

“Of course not,” his friend now sighed and folded his arms across his chest. “But you'll have to agree with the new terms for me to go on, otherwise I won't pay you back for my drink either,”

“And what new terms might that be?”

“That you're not allowed to flirt, period. You're not allowed to flirt with any girl, any boy, any person at all, no matter who they are or what they identify as,”

“I'm not even allowed to flirt with you?” Sirius asked and looked sad. He felt slightly worried though, since he was a very outgoing person and just by being outgoing he could be falsely accused of flirting, even though that was not what he had intended. Not that the bet was for more than pocket money for him. He suspected the guy behind the counter would never have made a bet of that quantity, he really didn't seem the type.

“A Shaken iced tea for Mr Smartypants!” someone suddenly called and Sirius thought he'd piss himself right there. It wasn't even that it was very funny, but the look on James' face was so pricelessly amusing that he just couldn't keep it in.

“Thanks man,” his friend said though clenched jaws as he went up to grab his cup, leaving Sirius half folded in on himself at the table, laughing until his empty stomach hurt from more than just hunger. When James finally came back with his tea, Sirius was resting his cheek against the table top and had tears in his eyes from laughing so hard. “Oh give it a rest,” his friend said and gave his foot a kick before he seated himself again, already drinking from his mug. “I bet yours is done soon, what did you get? Iced coffee? The usual?”

“Nah nah,” Sirius shrugged and sat up as he wiped his eyes dry. “Why would I choose something as boring as that on a beautiful day like this?”

“Ehm, because you always do?” James replied and raised an eyebrow. Sirius was in too good of a place to take notice of the way his friend looked at him. He knew James worried about him, both when he was low and when he was having good days, but especially now he couldn't even force himself to try and clam down enough for James to relax. He was excited about being out, happy about the disgusting drink he'd ordered, glad he'd be seeing Peter soon. He wanted to keep smiling, and James would just have to deal with that.

“Oh you know what they say, Carpe Diem and all that,” he answered back and reached over to steal a sip of tea from James' cup while waiting for his own.

After this they sat for a while, listening as names were called out and watching as people went up to fetch what they'd ordered. James asked about two times what on earth Sirius had ordered that was taking such a long time. Sirius, that couldn't remember what he'd ordered at all, thought it more likely that his order had been forgotten or ignored because of something he said. He was just about to get up and ask about it, turning in his chair to check if he could see something over by the counter, when he saw the chestnut boy place a plastic mug with light pink content and a mountain of crème on top, plus a plate with cake next to it, on the counter. He was sure this was his and stood up before he even heard the name called out, when the name came however, he sopped dead.

“A Strawberry and caramel frappuccino for Starlord!”

At first he thought there must have been some kind of mistake. No one could have ordered the exact same thing he'd ordered, and used a strange name on top of that. This must be his order but it had been confused with someone else's. But as he watched, he caught the other guys eyes and the look he was given was a victorious one, as if he had planned to get back at Sirius from the start. Quickly, not to seem defeated, Sirius hurried up to the counter and took his things, feeling his cheeks actually turn warm.

“I hope it's tasty,” the other said as their eyes met again and Sirius really didn't know what to say to that. The thing that came out of him was a laughter though, which was fine, since it was actually a pretty fitting name for him, in a lot of different ways.

“Thanks, I bet it is,” he called back over his shoulder as he made his way towards the table again. James was the one laughing his ass off this time and Sirius let him be until he'd calmed himself down. “If you must know,” he said then and took a sip of his drink, which was very sweet but actually equally tasty. “I didn't pick that name, he changed it.”

“Changed it from what?” James grinned and drank some more of his iced tea. “I thought it was brilliant, just the sort of thing you'd come up with,”

“True, but I asked him to write 'Elvendork', which he completely ignored,”

At this James almost choked on his tea and spat it out over half of the table from his fit of laughter. He didn't calm down for at least a minute and by the time he did, everyone in the close vicinity were looking at him as if he'd been screaming dirty words in a classroom (Sirius knew those kind of looks because he had in fact screamed dirty words in a classroom once).

Sirius let his friend be and drank some more of his frappuccino before breaking off a piece of his cake and eating it. As he was now sitting back at the table again, he couldn't help thinking about why the name on his order had been changed. It could just be a coincidence, but for someone who said they didn't know his name to give him the nickname “Starlord” just didn't seem possible to him. He didn't know much about the superhero Starlord, only what little Peter had told him, but it wasn't the character in itself that made him feel slightly uneasy about the whole thing. True, Starlord as a legendary outlaw, just like Sirius' family would gladly like to call him, but the name in itself suggested the guy behind the counter did indeed know that Sirius was named after a star, didn't it? So why hadn't he said so? Why had he been avoiding eye contact with him, when basically everyone else always wanted Sirius' attention. The most obvious reason might be that the guy had been stressed or that he just didn't like to look people in the eye for some reason, but then why deny knowing someone's name, when that someone has already admitted to knowing your face.

“Pads? Sirius, are you alright?”

James' voice reached him as if from far away and he looked up, once again almost as if shaken out of a daydream. James had that worried expression on his face again and Sirius quickly smiled to make up for his worry. He had been sitting with the straw between his lips and almost all of his drink was gone without him even realizing he'd been drinking it all.

“Yeah, yeah,” he assured and scratched his neck casually before taking another bite of his cake. “I'm just miles away for some reason, don't worry about it,”

“You know you've promised to tell me if-...”

“There's not gonna be an “if”, James,” he smiled in, what he hoped was, a reassuring way. “I've promised you that as well, you know,”

After James had nodded to that, they sat in silence for a while. Not an awkward silence, but in that sort of relaxed silence you only get when you're with someone who gets you to a 100% and who'd never hold anything against you, even if you stole their sandwich. Sirius loved that kind of a silence with James because it made him feel like between the two of them they didn't need words to know the other's feelings. James was especially good at knowing Sirius' feelings, which he always appreciated when he was too tired to talk about them.

“Oh by the way,” James suddenly said, breaking the silence with a grin on his face. “I forgot to tell you that Peter called when you were ordering stuff, he was at the wrong Starbucks, although I'm not sure why he'd be since we always come to this one and not the one on Conduit Street...”

“Are you kidding me?” Sirius snorted and turned to make sure Peter hadn't turned up yet. “I'm telling you, he's a bit preoccupied with his own stuff to ever listen to what we say, isn't he?”

“Yeah, of course he is,” James sighed, almost as if he was disapproving of the way Sirius had just said that. “You know Peter always has a hard time keeping up with us, especially with you. If you call him at five in the morning, like you did me today, and expect him to understand your instructions for a day in town then you're more naïve than I thought, Sirius. And even if he didn't have his own life to deal with, having to act alert at five in the morning-..”

“I actually called him at six,” Sirius corrected but James took no notice.

“...is a very hard thing to do, which takes many years of practice, which I have and he doesn't,” he ended and shrugged. “So cut him some slack, will you? And don't complain about it or tease him about it when he gets here, promise?”

“Yeah yeah,” Sirius grumbled and looked into his now empty cup. “I might get up an order something new for me anyway, should I take an order for him too? Just to make sure he feels included?” The last was said ironically but the look James gave him was so serious that words weren't needed. “Fine,” he grinned and got up. “I will, just because I'm such a wonderful and rich friend!” With that he strode off towards the counter again.

Since it was still lunchtime, and on a monday, the queue had been just as long all the while they'd been there, and still the young guy was serving people like no time had passed. As Sirius studied him, hidden from view as he was behind multiple backs and backpacks, he realized that the other didn't seem to have any kind of difficulty meeting the eyes of other's that he served. He seemed shy but he smiled and was charming even, talked happily and was accommodating. The thought of someone disliking him unsettled him slightly, even though he didn't quite understand why. It was like the thought brought him down from his high state of mind, to that almost non-existing middle ground where he always felt uneasy, ready to flip over either to the dark side or the all to bright one again. He drew a deep breath as the line thinned before him. Of course this guy didn't dislike him, they hardly knew each other, why would he have formed that kind of opinion just because he'd been annoying in the queue? And if he had, then Sirius would just have to prove him otherwise this time.

“Hi again!” he smiled as he approached and as the other looked up, it was like the light in his eyes went out and his fingers, which were pulling at his green apron to straighten it, twitched involuntarily before they moved out of sight behind the counter.

“Hello,”

“Funny thing,” Sirius continued and tried not to notice that strange little movement of the other's fingers. “What you did with my cup, how you changed the name,”

“Did I?” he asked back and for a second Sirius could have sworn there was a flicker of mischief flashing through the other's eyes. It threw him off for a moment and during that short time, their eye contact had been broken and the other was preparing to take his order. “What can I do for you this time?”

“Well, I have a friend coming any moment, and I think he'd like a Mocha frappuccino, whole milk, double whipped crème,” he hurried to state plainly and although the other hesitated slightly before writing, he seemed pleased to get such a straightforward order this time.

“And I suspect I shouldn't put this down under “Mr. Smartypants”, should I?” he then asked and there was amusement in his voice now, he even stole a glance upwards but as Sirius met his gaze, he looked back down again.

“No, that's my friend whom I'm already with,” Sirius grinned leaned slightly on his hands against the counter, feeling his toes jumping about restlessly in his shoes. (He wanted to run across fields and bathe in rivers but he suspected James wouldn't allow it, so he'd have to keep his toes in his shoes for now.) “This one is Peter,”

“Peter?” the other repeated and now he looked up for real, eyebrows high in his forehead. “Just Peter?”

“Yes,” Sirius nodded. “Just Peter, he's rather ordinary, and I wouldn't want to hurt his feelings by asking you to write something stupid,” he then admitted.

“That's... very considerate of you,” the other replied softly and took the name down. Sirius could have sworn he saw him smiling. “Anything else?”

“Yeah, can I get a Passion tea latte?”

“A what?” He looked very surprised at this, maybe the secret menu wasn't something he was familiar with, or maybe he hadn't heard of this particular one before. Sirius had never had the beverage himself but he'd seen others order it and it had looked too pink not to try at least once in your life. He was just about to change his mind, thinking he'd just make the poor kid worry, when the other met his eyes again and smiled for real, for the first time. “With soy milk?” he asked and, not knowing at all if that was right, Sirius nodded in affirmative. “Very well, I'll put that down under what name?”

“Mine,” Sirius answered, feeling relieved and brighter at mind again. Why he'd been feeling anxious about ordering from this guy again he didn't know, but it had gone more smoothly than he'd anticipated at least. There were warm bubbles in his stomach now, where the anxiety had brooded before. To be honest, he'd never felt bubbles like these in his life, where they came from he had no idea, but they made him feel like he could fly (James probably wouldn't like it, for some reason). “I think you can remember?”

“Sure thing,” came the grinning response and just like that Sirius was swept away by the moving current back towards the table where James was waiting, texting, probably to the girl of his dreams, aka Miss Lily Evans.

“You look thoughtful,” James stated as Sirius sank down into the chair and somehow, Sirius wasn't surprised. He'd been suspecting his face was making some kind of thoughtful expression all the way back to the table.

“Yeah,” he only nodded and sucked on the straw to his empty frappuccino. “I think I'm in love with a smile...”

James looked almost ready to stand up in his chair with surprise but they didn't have the time to talk more about it, which suited Sirius just fine, before Peter came rushing in through the doors and over to their table, excusing himself with having taken the wrong turn on Oxford Street. If Sirius wasn't mistaken, James kept sending him funny looks all afternoon, but he couldn't be bothered. He was free, he was invincible and he was bursting at the seams with emotions caused by just one little smile in an ocean of them.

***

“When's people gonna start arriving, you think?” Sirius asked as James ran back and forth between the kitchen and the living room, placing plastic cups here and there, removing fragile objects from harms way.

“In about half an hour, maybe,” came the reply from the hallway, whatever he was doing over there. “Make yourself comfortable until then, will you?”

“I don't know if I could ever be quite comfortable in your house, mate,” Sirius lied and leaned back against the comfortable couch, closing his eyes. To tell the truth, there was no place on earth he felt more comfortable than in the Potter's house. Its white walls made him feel more clean than the dark walls back where his parents lived, the big windows let in all light of the world it seemed and the open planning of the house itself really made him feel cozy and safe. He didn't much like small, right spaces and rooms that only had one window. Grimmauld Place was not his home, not if the feelings in his gut counted. “Is your girl coming tonight or what?” he called out after a while, when the hurrying footsteps had slowed down in the kitchen again.

“Yeah, I told you before,” James called back and started making some punch. “And she's not my girl, she's her own person, you know.”

“Did she tell you to say that?” Sirius grinned but didn't much care for the answer. He knew perfectly well that Lily was her own person and that ever insinuating that she could be anyone's property was stupid. Still, sometimes he didn't think of what he said and most of the time he stepped people on the toes even if he did. “I guess I'll have to start calling you her boy instead, then?”

“I suppose so,” James only mumbled back absentmindedly.

After yet another couple of minutes in silence, they'd had many of those minutes since Sirius had gotten there at the brink of dawn, he got off the couch and walked over to the large, white kitchen, watching James trying to open bottle after bottle with alcohol while constantly pulling his fingers through his thick curls of hair.

“Here, darling, let me do that before you hurt yourself,” Sirius grinned and pulled the most stubborn bottle out of his friend's hands. Opening the lid as if it was nothing.

“I loosened it for you,” James grinned and was about to leave the kitchen, but Sirius wouldn't let him. Instead he grabbed his friend by the arm and twirled him around in a little pirouette, hugging him tight afterwards. “You alright?” James asked as they stood close together on the kitchen floor.

“I'm always alright,” Sirius replied even though they both knew that wasn't the case. He hadn't been feeling like himself these last couple of days. His family had been out of the house and even though he should be out of the dark patch for at least another week, he had found himself having difficulty getting out of bed even after lunchtime, every day. It was like he'd been constantly tired, no matter how much sleep he'd gotten. Having this party had seemed like a good idea when they'd planned it, because most often he'd stay high and happy for at least three or four weeks after summer vacation started. But these last few hours he'd started dreading it more and more, so much in fact that he'd been wanting to cancel the whole thing, if that hadn't made James sad and disappointed, and that was the last thing Sirius wanted.

“Sure you are,” James now smiled and leaned his dark forehead against Sirius' pale one. “If you want to hide out in my room you know that's fine, right? I'd come up and keep you company, or I could send Peter or Lily?”

“I'll be fine,” Sirius assured and let his friend go, slightly more reassured by that extra nudge and the hug. “I just wish the feeling would pass, that's all. I don't want to be so tired, all the time...”

“I know, but you'll push through it, just like you always do,” James grinned, even though you could still see his worry clearly, as if it had been written with a permanent marker across his entire face. “And tonight is for you, enjoy yourself, make out,”

“Which reminds me,” Sirius suddenly grinned. “You still owe me £20 and don't you dare back out of, or forget it,”

“I haven't forgotten, who do you take me for?”

“A conman,” Sirius said suspiciously but let James of the hook as he realized he hadn't taken out any snacks yet.

They stood in silence a while longer as they both poured cheese doodles and crisps into big glass bowls, Sirius breathing deeply in an attempt to refuel some energy before the house became to cramped. James was mostly trying to figure out if he'd forgotten anything, which was clear from his fidgeting and the way he thought it would do any difference to even touch his hair to make it look better.

“Have you thought anymore about that guy, by the way?” James suddenly asked. This subject had been brought up more than once since the coffee shop the week before, Sirius hadn't explained much about it because frankly he didn't understand it himself. Now the question came so suddenly and out of the blue that he answered without having time to think or second guess himself.

“Yeah,” came the first answer and after a pause he continued, slowly, as if wanting to control his own words before they came out, even though he was unsure what it was that he was even trying to say. “I mean, I guess... It's not like I know him, it's not like I'm serious about it but, I guess I've been thinking about him, as far as thinking goes...”

“What does that even mean?” James chuckled but when Sirius looked back at him, his friend was smiling kindly. “Do you think you like him, for real I mean?”

“I like his smile,” Sirius shrugged but he couldn't ignore those warm bubbles in his stomach, the bubbles that made him want to fly, the feeling that made him believe it was possibly to take off from the ground and leave the Earth behind. “So I guess that's something,”

“It's hopeless to talk to you about these sort of things, do you know that?” James grinned and gave him a pat on the back, before he leaned in and rested his forehead against Sirius' shoulder. “Let me know if you want vent about it, alright?”

“Always,”

“Good man.”

The door bell rang just moments later and as James let his girlfriend into the house, Sirius stepped over to one of the large living room windows to look out at the pool and the garden. There were so many flowers in bloom that he thought for a moment someone had painted everything in acrylics and left it to dry before a thunderstorm. Yellows and oranges mixed with reds and blues, a rainbow of life he'd never be able to interpret on his own canvas. He looked down at his fingers and poked slightly on a dried patch of ultramarine blue with a fingernail. It had been a long time since he'd been able to paint as much as he'd done these last couple of days. James had joked more than once about him finding himself a muse, Sirius hadn't payed much attention to that, but maybe there was some truth in it.

He now looked up, expecting to be greeted by Lily and James, only to realize that a much longer time must have passed than he thought, because the room was already half full with people and the light in the garden had already turned from bright sunlight to summer evening. He looked around for James or Peter somewhere but couldn't see them, so he decided to stay put. They were probably already busy with something and he should do best not to be more of a bother than he'd already been.

So instead of moving about the big house, he leaned against the wall next to the window, watching people pass him by in a haze of colors and sounds that he couldn't quite take in. He realized after a while that it was almost like watching a never ending stream of water and the thought made him dizzy.

“You alright?” a kind voice asked from somewhere beyond the crowd and it took Sirius all the strength he could muster to pull himself back out of his mind. He was leaning heavily against the wall now and he must have been sliding down into a half sitting position because someone was reaching a hand down to him, waning to help him back up.

“Yeah, I'm fine,” Sirius assured even before he looked up to see who it was that had come to his aid. He wasn't surprised to see that it was Lily, her ginger hair strapped up into a loose bun at the back of her head and her green eyes as kind and wonderful as ever. “Oh, James is a lucky fellow,” he smiled as he let himself be pulled up on his legs again.

“Did you realize that just now?” she laughed, and shook her head. “You're so very smart, Sirius,” When he didn't reply with more than a grin, she quickly took him by the arm and dragged him away from the window, her determined steps carrying them further into the house, into the pouring stream of people until they reached the smaller sitting room, where some comfortable armchairs had been pulled up next to the table. It was empty except for a couple of people by the window, they payed no notice to the new arrivals and Lily seemed not to care about them either. Without a word she pushed him into one of the armchairs and seated herself in the other, then she just sat there, looking at him intently as if expecting him to turn into a dog any moment now.

“What?” he asked after a while, feeling slightly uncomfortable under her gaze. Maybe that was because he knew he could never flirt his way out of a conversation with her, since she was both too independent and too much in love with his best friend. Besides, she knew him too well.

“I just wanted to have a talk with you,” she replied casually but she was still looking at him in that strange way, which made him feel almost naked. “James says you haven't been feeling well, or that you've been a bit distant lately. Does it have to do with the boy at Starbucks?”

“My, you're blunt about it, aren't you?” Sirius grinned but felt he couldn't quite keep the act up around her. “Why would me not feeling well have something to do with a guy I've only talked to twice?”

“I don't know?” she shrugged. “Because he's adorable? Because the thought of him brings you down to earth and you don't like it? Because you've been avoiding my work ever since then even though I asked you to come eat lunch with me the other day? Because you usually feel happy for weeks but then suddenly after declaring love for a smile you start shutting yourself in again? Need I go on?”

“First off,” Sirius smiled but averted his eyes, unsure how to look at her without giving her the wrong idea. “I've not been avoiding Starbucks, I've just not felt like going there, secondly, I've not been shutting myself in, I've been painting, and just for the record yes, I agree that he's adorable and probably the nicest person in the world, but to love a person's smile does not mean you love the person behind it. He hasn't done anything to me, I'm probably just affected by the weather or lack of sleep, nothing more,”

“If you say so,” she smiled and shrugged. “I just think that if you feel anything when thinking about him, anything that would be worth acting on, then you should do so,”

“Why?” he asked back suspiciously. “Do you know something I don't? Have you talked to him since then, about me, or something?”

“Of course not,” she grinned and leaned over to pat him on the knee. “And even if I had talked to him, it's not like I'd betray a colleges trust just because a friend of mine happens to be love sick,”

“I've never been love sick in my life, Lily, and this isn't an exception,”

“Fine,” she sighed but smiled and got up from her chair, leaning over to place a kiss on his forehead before walking away. “Whatever you say.”

Sirius remained sitting for a while, looking towards the still open door through which she'd left. He felt heavy and still his mind was very clear, not at all like in the mist he usually was when out of the house. He was completely aware of everything around him, but felt too heavy to get up or even scratch the terrible itch he had above his shoulder blade. He shouldn't have left the house after all, it seemed. He closed his eyes for a moment and tried to search for a reason to get up, a reason to smile again, some kind of energy reserve deep down in the pit of his stomach where no light usually shone. There were warm bubbles there somewhere, he knew it, if he could only turn on the heat again he was sure they'd make him move, make him run, make him sore through the sky like small bird in the spring.

***

Remus Lupin had been standing for about half an hour at the side of the road, staring up at the mansion-like house he'd been invited to. At first he'd been unsure if he'd come to the right party, but after looking around he'd realized that no other house on the street was less fancy than this one and no other was holding a party quite as loud as this one. He'd always suspected Lily Evans boyfriend of being a rich guy, not a snob but with his pockets full of money, especially when judging from what he'd given her for her birthday. But for him, insignificant Remus Lupin, to be invited to a party at a mansion like this? That was something he'd thought would never happen.

He'd thought about calling Lily up, tell her he didn't feel well and go home instead, to read a book or watch a cooking show on TV, but somehow he couldn't bring himself to do it. She'd been so happy when he agreed to come the day before and he didn't want her to be disappointed in him.

As he'd been standing there, he'd watched as something was going on on the roof of the house, where some people seemed to be planning a high jump into the pool. All these kids that were at the party were probably used to things like that, but Remus felt more sorry than safe even before he'd gotten close. He didn't much like parties like this, they were noisy and full of drunk people, you could never find a calm place to talk to people and the bathrooms always smelled like vomit. He was already regretting his decision of not bailing out.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Remus breathed in deeply and corrected the T-shirt underneath his dark red cardigan, checking his watch to see just how late he was. It was twenty minutes to one in the morning. He'd never been to a party this late before, never mind  _arriving_ to a party this late.

It felt like it took him at least ten minutes to walk across the driveway up to the front door, even though it was probably not more than a minute, and his palms were already sweating when he reached up to press the doorbell. For a moment nothing happened. Only the shrill tone of the bell rang out about him but no one came to open. Then suddenly the door was flung outwards and Remus had to jump back down the small stair not to get hit in the face by it.

Before him stood James Potter, rich kid, Lily's boyfriend, good looking, handsome most would say, strong cheekbones perfectly visible under dark complexion, dark eyes, unruly hair standing in all directions, perfect skin. Remus hardly dared to look at him, seeing as they were so different the world would have laughed if it knew.

“Ah!” James exclaimed and pointed straight at Remus, eyes brightening with recognition at the sight of him. “Lily's friend! Come in, come in!”

Remus smiled slightly and stepped in beside the taller one, catching a scent of alcohol and cigarette smoke before James had closed the door. The hallways was empty but loud music was playing somewhere further in and he shoved his hands deep into his pockets so that he wouldn't have to accept any alcohol or unwanted handshakes.

“Lil's in the living room,” James smiled, his teeth were almost blindingly white, Remus noticed. “Come with me, I'll make sure you find her,”

“Thanks,” he smiled back and hurried after, hoping he wouldn't loose his guide somewhere on the way and be lost in this big house without a way out.

They soon came into the large room that must be the living room and Remus could not stop his jaws from dropping. The ceiling was so high three stories could have fitted in the room, the windows reached high up on the walls and within seconds he'd spotted at least two very valuable paintings on the walls. You could easily say Remus had been shocked out of his wits and it wasn't until Lily came over to hug him that he snapped out of it. He'd never been in a house that was so much like a museum before.

“A bit much, isn't it?” Lily laughed as she pulled back from their hug and led him over towards an empty piece of wall. “James doesn't like it much, he's thinking of moving out soon, to an apartment. Says its too much work to live with his parents when he could already afford to get his own place,” she continued and even though it was only smalltalk, Remus was happy she kept it up. They'd been working together at the coffee shop for months and sometimes he still didn't know what to say to her, but he loved to listen. “I like it, but it's nicer when no one else is around, you can really see all of it, feels like you're in some movie,”

As she spoke she was looking out over the crowd and waving to some friends of her's. Remus only smiled and nodded to what she said. He was sure it was nice to be around a house like this when there was piece and quiet. There was probably a fridge filled with food and too many movies in the cupboards to count. He looked over at James, who was standing together with a group of friends, making faces and laughing at the top of his lungs, as if he was just a child and this was his playground.

“Where are the rest of his friends?” he asked, almost without thinking and when Lily looked at him she was grinning broadly. “I mean, I thought you said everyone was invited so I was just... I mean there's...” he tried to add but he just couldn't seem to get the right words out. “Alright,” he then sighed and gave up. “Where's Mr Handsome?”

“I'm glad you've admitted it to yourself at least,” Lily laughed and finished her drink.

“Your words, not mine,”

“Well, Sirius is off somewhere, haven't seen him for an hour or two I think. Why? Were you planning on making a move?”

She was making fun of him and he knew it, so he shoved his index finger into her side and made her laugh before he smiled and shook his head.

“I don't know him,” he declared. “He doesn't know me, I just think he's an interesting guy, that's all. Do you make a move on every interesting guy you see?”

“Of course I do,” she grinned and leaned against his side. “But don't tell James I said that,”

“You're a liar,” he sighed with a smile and leaned against her as well. “Besides, even if I did make a move, why would he agree to go out with me when he could go out with anyone in the world? He's good looking, he's charming, he's an idiot, who wouldn't say yes to him if he asked?”

“Hey, don't ever talk about yourself in that way,” she whispered into his ear and it sent chills down his spine. “You're just as worthy as anyone, to date anyone you'd like as long as they want to date you. It's got nothing to do with the fact that he could get anyone? You're one of those “anyone”, you know? And besides, you say no one would say no to him if he asked, but he doesn't ask, not anyone. At least not that I know of,”

“Well, he must have a very good reason for not wanting to date someone, then,” Remus grinned and shrugged. It wasn't like he was in love, he wouldn't know love even if it was screaming right in his face. But Sirius Black was something else from the crowd, someone who saw the world differently from the rest. They'd been studying together under the same roof for two years and not once had Sirius looked his way, but Remus knew he was different. He knew Lily would call it a crush, she'd already done so quite some times, especially during the last week or so. In fact, she'd been going on and on about it which had been a bit annoying at times.

“Maybe,” she agreed and gave him an amused look. “You know, Remus, you think too little of yourself and I don't like it. I know it's none of my business, but you deserve so much better than you think,” She paused and grabbed him by the hand, holding it tightly as she smiled. “But if asking Sirius out counts as “better”, I'm not sure,”

Before he had time to answer, she'd pulled him across the living room floor, which was a dance floor for one night only, and dragged him up to the side of her, next to James and his friends. They were greeted with smiles and cheers, offered drinks and jokes. Remus knew it was because of Lily that they even bothered to talk to him, but he smiled anyway and stood there silently, holding his punch without drinking it. James had an arm wrapped around Lily's back in a matter of seconds and he looked like he'd be ready to gobble her up, if she'd allow it. As it turned out, she'd had a reason for walking up to them, other than make out with her boyfriend.

“Hey guys, listen,” she said after a couple of minutes of laughing and joking, right when Remus had tarted thinking of sneaking off to the bathroom. “I'm looking for Sirius, anyone seen him?”

“Nah, not for a while,” James answered and shrugged. “He's probably off somewhere having a smoke, why?”

“I just thought I'd confess my undying love to him,” Lily shrugged and burst out laughing as James dropped his empty plastic glass to the floor. “Don't worry, tough guy,” she said assuringly and placed a kiss on his cheek. “I just thought I'd introduce him and Remus, you've got nothing to fear,”

“I know,” grumbled James but he was obviously embarrassed.

“I think I saw him outside like an hour ago,” someone else said after a short while of thinking. Remus had never seen this person before but he looked to be older than all of them, and he didn't seem quite as drunk as James. “He was standing with his head in rose bush if I'm not mistaken,”

“In the rose bush?” Remus asked before he managed to contain himself. Just the thought of anyone being so drunk they'd stick their head into a thorny bush made him nervous. Maybe he didn't feel up to meeting him today after all, no matter if Lily was there or not. He didn't much like to talk to people who'd been drinking far too much.

“Yeah, that's what I saw,” the guy said and grinned, but James didn't look quite as amused.

“Let's go look for him then, shall we?” he asked Lily and threw a glance at Remus as well. “Maybe you could wait here?”

“No, I'll come,” Remus insisted, but why he did that he wasn't sure. He didn't want to be in the way in case James was actually worried about his friend, but it felt strange not to come, for some reason, especially since Lily was the one who'd brought it up and his account.

“Alright then,” James nodded and stepped over to the sliding doors leading out into the garden, with Lily and Remus following close by. None of the other's came with them, but that might have been just as well.

The garden was green and calm. You could hear the sound from the party still, but the look of the blooming flowers in the dusk and the scent of them in his nostrils, removing the smell of alcohol and smoke, made Remus feel relaxed. He looked around and half expected to see a pair of legs or a butt sticking out of the bushes somewhere but there was no sign of anyone.

“Well, he isn't in any bush,” James declared as the three of them had walked around for a moment, looking into every big bush they could find to see if Sirius was sleeping in any of them. They had stopped by the edge of the pool, probably because James had wanted to have a look at the bottom of it, just to make sure something wasn't lying down there.

The air was warm and soft against Remus' cheeks and he dared close his eyes for a moment, pulling the sweet fragrant air deep into his nostrils. If nothing, at least he'd get to watch the sunrise today, which he'd been wanting to do for a long time. He hadn't had the energy to stay up late even once since christmas, until now.

Suddenly there was a victorious cry and people cheering, quickly followed by a splash that drenched them all in pool water and Remus opened his eyes in shock, spitting and coughing in confusion. He wasn't sure what had happened but as he looked around, things started falling into place. Someone had jumped form the roof, down into the pool right next to them. People had already noticed and were coming out of the house to see what had happened, some others were up on the roof, cheering loudly for the one who had taken the jump. The water was deep where they'd landed but the roof was high and as soon as Remus took his first startled breath, James dove into the water himself.

“Oh my God,” Lily mumbled, her hand covering her mouth in shock. People watching were laughing and pointing, waving to the people up on the roof but Remus felt like he was going to faint. What if the person was hurt, what if someone else jumped and missed the pool by half a meter? Lily seemed to have gotten the same idea because she quickly walked closer to the house and called out with authority to the ones gathered there. “That's it! Everyone go back inside, and stay there! Kingsley, could you go up to the roof and make sure those idiots come downstairs?” The older guy from before nodded and hurried on inside, pushing through the reluctant crowd that was still lingering outside. “You!” she now called to the ones on the roof, running back to Remus' side to be able to see them better. “You fuckers better stay up there or I'm calling the fucking cops!”

James hard resurfaced and was dragging a spitting person towards the edge of the pool with him. Remus wasn't sure what he could do but since one one else reacted to help, he rushed over to the side and helped drag both James and the other out of the water, an effort that made his entire body ache. He didn't let it show.

“What the fuck were you thinking, you stupid fucking asshole!?” James almost screamed where he was sitting on his knees, soaked in water and anger radiating form every pore of his body. “Or did you even think at all??”

The person he'd pulled out was only laughing where he lay on his back on the wet grass, looking up into the sky with his dark hair sticking to his face and neck. Remus felt his stomach drop as he realized it was Sirius. But he should have known, the way James reacted should have been a give away. He felt bad now, for not telling James about the people on the roof, because he'd seen them before and he might have spared them the grief and bother if James had known about it too.

Lily had walked up to them but didn't say a word. Instead she pushed the rest of the people inside and shut the door slightly behind her, vanishing out of sight before her voice could be heard urging everyone else to go home. Sirius was still grinning broadly and James was panting as if he'd been running a marathon. Remus could have sworn James was crying but it was hard to tell if the water in his face were tears and if him shaking didn't just mean he was cold from his dip in the pool. He felt out of place and would rather have sunk into the ground than be left to witness a fight between two best friends, but he couldn't just leave them there either, not when James was so obviously upset and Sirius was close to unresponsive, off in some drunken dream land he supposed.

“Listen,” he said and took a step closer to James, swallowing to gather his voice and mind. “I know I'm not your friend or anything, but I could help, just tell me what to do and I'll do it,”

“Thanks,” James nodded and covered his face with his hands for a moment while pulling in a deep breath. “Alright,” he then said, with conviction and got to his feet shakily. “Could you help me get him up to the bedroom then? And we'll get him to bed,”

“Sure, yeah, of course,” Remus hurried and stepped over with the other to Sirius' side, knowing full well his back would be aching terribly but pushing that thought aside for now.

It was hard work, dragging Sirius to his feet and getting him inside. First of all he didn't seem to want to come inside at all, he dragged his feet like a stubborn child, complained about how warm it was not to be in the water, laughed about things like how his clothes stuck to his skin. By the time they had finally managed to close the sliding doors behind their backs, Lily had already managed to get most of the guests out of the house. Some people were still sitting in the sofa or standing in a corner whispering. But once they had gotten their rumors confirmed, that it truly was Sirius Black that had jumped form the roof and that he was alright, that is, they seemed satisfied and left when Lily told them off.

“Is he going to be alright?” she called after them when they started walking up the stairs and with a nod of agreement, James left the dragging to Remus as he went downstairs to talk to her about it.

“First door to the right, Remus,” he called as Remus stumbled further up the stair with and arm secure around Sirius' lower back and a hand gripping the other's left hand firmly. “You can't miss it!”

Remus didn't miss it. He kicked the door open carefully and shuffled inside, trying not to care about the things that came out of Sirius' voice because it was nothing but rubbish anyway. The room was dark but big, what looked to be the size of a normal living room was in fact a guest bedroom.

“Here you are,” Remus smiled as he helped Sirius sit down on the bed and immediately the other fell backwards onto the covers.

“Oh my God!” he burst out and reached his arms up into the air, only to let them fall back against the covers. “This bed is SO comfortable! I've never been in a bed like this before it's so fantastic you should try it!”

“No, thank you,” Remus declined and looked around for a light, finding one over on the other side of the double bed. “Should we get you out of those clothes?”

“Why?” Sirius asked back and sat up suddenly, turning around on the bed to be able to see Remus when he'd turned the light on. “I don't mind having these, or what? Do you think they look strange on me?” As he asked, he looked down at his black T-shirt and his shorts, a thoughtful expression on his face. “I was thinking I should have picked something more colorful but then I realized I didn't really have anything at home that was more colorful so I took this, but I guess it's a bit dull and not at all what you'd wear to a party if you were invested in it and was expecting to make a lot of new friends, which reminds me, I still don't know your name? You are the guy who worked at Starbucks, right? You never told me your name?”

Remus just stood there, watching as Sirius went on and on, hardly breathing between the sentences. As he was about to answer the question, Sirius only went onto some other subject and it was almost like he hadn't spoken for weeks and suddenly the words came tumbling out of him, without anything to stop them. Remus couldn't do much else but stand there, but since James hadn't come back yet, he decided to do something about the other's clothes, no matter what he said about it. As Sirius kept on talking, Remus seated himself on the bed and reached out to tug at the bottom of the wet T-shirt and to his surprise, the other didn't protest. He kept on talking but his T-shirt came off easily enough, especially since Sirius reached his arms into the air.

“Could you unbutton your pants, please?” Remus then asked and got up to see where he could hang the wet clothes. There was an on-suite with a shower and some hangers in the wardrobe that he could put them on, which was what he did with the T-shirt. When he came back, Sirius was still fumbling with the buttons and Remus let him do his thing while he stepped out side the room again.

“James?” he called to downstairs. “Are there any dry clothes he can borrow, for now?”

“Yeah,” came the distant voice of Lily and soon she appeared at the bottom of the stair. “I'll come up with some, just make sure he's dried off and I'll be right there,”

“Alright,” he nodded and went back inside. Sirius had managed to get his pants off and was lying down again, now with his feet up on the bed, legs and arms sprawled on top of the covers. “Come on,” Remus smiled and picked up the soaked pants, fishing the other's cellphone out of one of the pockets. “Underwear too, you're completely soaked. Lily's bringing you some dry clothes,”

It took a while before Sirius responded to this but by the time Remus had placed the pants on a hanger next to the T-shirt in the shower, Sirius had crawled down beneath the covers and his green boxers were thrown on the floor next to the bed. Remus decided he didn't have to pick those up, but kicked them out of sight so that Lily wouldn't have to step on them later.

“Here you go,” Remus smiled and threw a towel at the other's face. “Dry your hair off, or you'll have to sleep on a wet pillow,”

To his surprise, Sirius did as he was told and sat up again, pulling the towel down over his hair and drying it energetically before throwing it back to Remus and lying back down. There was a grin on his face still and as he hung the towel on the side of the door, Remus could hear him hum a tune from over on the bed.

“Have you ever, you know, felt like you could fly?”

Remus raised an eyebrow and didn't know how to respond to that. Sirius was clearly very drunk but there was something in his eyes that made him sure he'd at least calmed down somewhat, and that the question had been asked with the intention of getting an answer this time. He walked over and sat down on the side of the bed, shaking his head as he did so.

“No, I can't say I have,” he then admitted.

“To just know that if you took one more step you would be soaring through the sky with nothing to stop you and no need to be scared,” Sirius continued and cuddled against his pillow, his grin growing and his eyes closed as if remembering the feeling he was describing. “It's the same feeling as knowing you're invincible, nothing can touch you or harm you, no one will ever stand in your way ever again and you're all warm inside...”

“Was that what if felt like?” Remus dared to ask as he himself leaned back against the pillows, looking down at the guy he'd been grinning about for months. Sirius might be drunk, yes, but still Remus had started to understand that maybe this guy wasn't just a pretty face after all, that flirting was just a part of his every day cover, an attempt to hide who he really was. “Standing up on the roof, I mean? Like you were free?”

“Yeah,” Sirius sighed and pulled the blanked up to his chin. “Like I'm free...”

A couple of minutes later, Lily came up with a stack of clothes. By then, Sirius was already asleep and Remus was sitting there, not quite knowing what to do. After she'd placed the clothes on a chair next to the bedroom, they both snuck out together and shut the door softly, before she spoke.

“Thank you,” she said and gave him a smile that was genuine but she looked very tired. “I don't think I know what we'd have done without you, James was too upset to deal with it, to tell you the truth... I'm glad you came,”

“Me too,” Remus answered before he realized what he'd said might have sounded a lot like he was happy about what had happened. “I mean, I'm glad I could be of any help, even though you hardly know me and all...”

“What are you talking about?” she smiled and reached up to gently place a hand on his shoulder. “We are friends, you and I, aren't we? And we've known each other for quite a long while, haven't we?”

“I suppose,” he shrugged and let himself be led back downstairs.

James' clothes were hanging on the chairs around the dinner table and everywhere they looked, half empty plastic cups and plates were standing. Some had fallen over and spilt sticky drinks all over floors and shelves, some snacks had been stepped on and crushed into the living room carpet. Lily sighed as she looked around and looked ready to give up, just drop everything and fall asleep right there. Remus felt guilty, for some reason. He hadn't done anything wrong but to not do more to help seemed awfully selfish of him.

“I'll help you clean up some,” he smiled and let a reassuring hand rest on her back for a second. “We'll fill some plastic bags and then you can go to bed, knowing there won't be that much to take care of in the morning,”

“You're such a fantastic guy, Remus, did you know?” she smiled thankfully and gave him a warm hug before she left him to go get garbage bags.

He immediately sank down on the sofa and closed his eyes, all energy dripping from him like water and his back aching terribly, just like his arms and the joints in his hands. His head was pounding too, which he hadn't noticed until now and he for the tenth time or so that evening he regretted having made someone happy by making a promise. When he heard Lily making her way back to the living room though, he opened his eyes again and got up from the couch, trying to hide how much he'd like to just sit back down again.

“You alright?” she smiled, and he nodded, reaching for the bag she handed him. “Let's get on with it then, so that we can get at least a couple of hours sleep afterwards.”

They worked as quickly as they had the energy to, empty plastic glasses and half eaten things going into plastic bags for at least an hour before the living room, kitchen and other downstairs rooms started to look more proper again. Lily was yawning quite a lot towards the end of it, but still insisted on staying up for as long as Remus could manage, saying he wasn't even obliged to stick around if he'd rather get to bed.

James didn't come to help them, but Remus didn't hold that against him. Seeing your best friend do something like that must fuck you up. It had certainly not left Remus un-shocked and he didn't even know Sirius.

When they had finally filled some plastic bags between them, Lily decided that it was time for them both to sleep. She refused to let Remus go home, insisting that he should sleep in the second guest bedroom, saying something like “what's the use of having three guest bedrooms if no one ever stays over?”. Remus agreed, actually feeling relieved since he lived quite far from the Potter's and wasn't even sure he could get anywhere this time of night.

“I'll fix you some clean sheets,” she smiled as they came upstairs and Remus went off to one of the bathrooms to wash off and prepare for sleep.

Lily had told him where to find spare toothbrushes and as he was safely behind locked doors he roamed through the cupboards for a little while, until he also found painkillers and some other things he might need for the night. His body was aching, more than he might be able to handle when having to sleep and after taking the pills, he sat on the toilet for quite some time, just breathing. He could hear Lily walk back to her room, suspecting she wouldn't be back to check on him that night, since they'd already exchanged good night wishes and all. It made him relax slightly, to know that no one was expecting him back, tall backed and smiling. But that he could crawl to bed if he needed to.

It took him close to half an hour before he could get up and be off to bed. He almost walked into the wrong bedroom, before he realized it was the one Sirius was occupying. Before changing his course and heading for the right one however, he opened the door and sneaked a peak at the sleeping shape on the bed, making sure, for some reason, Sirius was still sleeping.

He felt almost sad when he'd finally made it to his bed for the night. He would have loved to meet Sirius, James and everyone else under different circumstances. He liked Lily a lot and all she'd said about her boyfriend and his friends had sounded so nice to him, he'd deamt that one day she'd introduce them and they'd like him. He knew there was very little chance of that ever happening, them liking him and subsequently inviting him into their tight group of friends, but he'd always hoped for a chance. Now, after all this, he expected them to just want to forget everything about tonight, including him.

He was also upset about what had happened with Sirius, because Sirius had always been such an energetic guy, always flirty and funny, always obnoxious as a customer and loyal as a friend, or so it would have seemed form where Remus had been standing at the University or behind the counter at Starbucks. But something very private had happened today that he couldn't quite wrap his finger about, something that he, as an outsider, shouldn't have seen. He wished he hadn't been there, making everyone uncomfortable, even though he knew he'd helped.

Sirius Black had been this kind of untouchable person for him, at least until he met Lily at work. He'd been almost like a celebrity that you pine for, someone that everyone looks at and goes “man, I'd sure like to be among his friends or even be the one to shine his shoes and also lets get married and have babies together” but everyone knew that would never happen. For Remus to have even been in the same room as Sirius should have been close to a dream come true, at least a desired experience. But today hadn't really gone like planned, had it?

He sighed and buried his nose deep into the feather pillow, pulling the duvet up over his head. Tomorrow would be better, he told himself before finally falling asleep. Tomorrow would always be better than today.

***

Sirius had been dreaming very vividly about strawberries and clouds in millions of colors before he woke up and as he opened his eyes, he had no idea where he was. Not even when he sat up and really rubbed the sleep out of his eyes, could he understand how he'd gotten from James' party to this bed. He started suspecting, when a splitting head ache made itself known, that he'd been too drunk to function and had been put to bed by his friends, though he was also pretty sure that was not all.

He had a vague memory of falling through the air, of taking a dip in the pool and possibly being saved by an angel, but what of that was truth and what was dream he hadn't figured out yet. One thing that was clear was that he was naked and the stack of clothes next to the bed was not his own. He recognized a shirt which belonged to James', strengthening his suspicion that he was still at the Potter's.

There was a knock on the door and the sound bounced around in his head a thousand times before it finally went silent again. Sirius had buried his head underneath the duvet by then and grumbled a “yeah” to whoever it was that had come to torment his poor head.

“How're you feeling?” James asked and his voice sounded muffled through the fabric and fluff.

Sirius only groaned in response and peeked up above the rim of the cover, watching his friend as the other sat down on the side of the bed.

“Well,” James mumbled and when he looked back at Sirius, he looked just as tired as Sirius felt. “You have yourself to thank for that, you shouldn't have been drinking that much, or whatever it was you did,”

“I don't remember,” Sirius confessed with a grin and pulled the duvet down to his stomach as he suddenly got really warm. “But you're probably right,”

“I am,” James nodded without hesitation. He wasn't looking at Sirius anymore and he was fidgeting with his hands in his lap, head slightly bowed. “You in pain?”

Sirius wondered for a second why he'd ask that. Of course he was in pain, his head felt like it was splitting in half and at the same time he felt slightly nauseous and dizzy. But as he thought about it, he realized that the skin on his knees and thighs was sore and the joints in his shoulders felt strangely stiff. He didn't want to ask, since James seemed upset with him somehow, but for a while's silence he tried really hard to remember why his body was hurting in this particular way.

“Yeah, a bit,” he then admitted, still not knowing what could have possibly done it. “But it's no biggie, I'll be up and about in no-time,”

“No biggie?”

Sirius knew immediately that he'd said the wrong thing and although someone being angry with him, without him knowing the reason for it, was something he was used to, he cowered back in the bed waiting for James to explode. It wasn't something James did often, and the only times he'd done it had been when he'd been worried sick. But it always made Sirius feel terribly guilty having anyone be mad at him for something he couldn't remember doing.

“Sirius!” James now called and stood up, looking outraged, his dark curls on end and his hands flying in the air as he spoke. “You can't mean that? You jumped off of the fucking roof! You could have bloody died if you'd missed the pool and to that you say “it's no biggie”?? Don't you see how worried you made us all, how worried you made _me_?! You know that there is nothing in this world I wouldn't do for you but to think that I might have lost you yesterday, on a ridiculous whim of yours, only because you wanted to see if you could fly!”

Sirius was silent as his friend went on, but he wasn't unfeeling. His heart was pounding hard in his chest and his breathing was quicker, but he wasn't as much upset by what he heard as he was filled with the memory of free falling through the air. He hadn't dreamt it after all, it had all been true. The thought of it made him smile, involuntarily, and James saw it immediately.

“You're bloody hopeless!” he shouted and banged his hand into the chair - on which the clothes had been placed – so hard it made the chair fall back against the floor with a loud bang. “Does it mean anything to you, your life? Doesn't it bother you that you could have died yesterday? You could have been paralyzed even, or drowned if I hadn't been there to fish you out of the water!”

“It doesn't bother me much, no,” Sirius admitted and shrugged. In a lower state of mind, he might have cared more for James' display of affection, his anger and fright towards the seemingly stupid thing Sirius had done. But with his mind too focused on the feeling of flying, the sensation filling his body and making him light as a feather, he really couldn't bring himself to acknowledge the other. Not right now at least.

“And what about _my_ feelings,” James then went on and when Sirius actually did manage to focus his eyes on his friend, his head pounding like mad still but he hadn't quite noticed that until now, he realized there were upset tears in James' eyes. “What would I have done if you died? I was in charge of making sure you were safe, so what if you'd died, Sirius, what would have happened to me then?”

“Oh James,” Sirius smiled. “I didn't die, now, did I? You're coming at me with all these allegations and saying you were “in charge of making sure” I was safe, so why aren't you happy that I am safe after all? You did make sure nothing happened to me, you should be rewarded, not have to feel miserable about what could have happened. It didn't happen,”

“You're not making any sense,” James said as he shook his head and there were tears rolling down his dark cheeks now. “Pads, if you'd jumped only a foot or two more to the side you would have died...”

“Would have, yes,” he shrugged in response and sat up to stretch his arms to the roof. “But I didn't,”

“Yes I know, but...” James dried his tears before he begun and was now sinking down on the beside again. “You've done things like this before, Pads, and it's getting more and more likely that you will, in fact, die one day. Very soon, actually, because you constantly put yourself in danger...”

“And if I die, you shall know I did it with a smile,” Sirius joked but as he did so, James crumbled right before his eyes, sliding down onto the bed next to him and rolling himself into a ball, shaking. “Oh come on James,” Sirius cooeed, placing a hand firmly on his friend's side and pulling himself closer to him. “I was joking, you know I was. You have to see how ridiculous you sound, though... Of course I'm not going to die,”

“Yeah?” James mumbled in reply, relaxing slightly as Sirius hugged him from behind. “And how is that?”

“Because I have an angel guarding me, see,” Sirius answered with a smile, closing his eyes and sighing agains James' back. “And it's always going to be there, protecting me, when you're not around.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARLY!
> 
> i'm sorry for the late update everyone, but seeing as this fic is written for my friend Carly and her birthday happens to be today i decided to finish the entire fic and upload chapter 3, 4 and 5 today! hope you all like it, but especially you carly, of course!

Remus didn't wake up until just before two in the afternoon the following day, which was admirable considering the pain he was in. Had he not stayed up so late and been at home instead of in the Potter's soft guest bed, he would have woken within hours and spent the rest of the night tossing and turning to try and get comfortable.

He'd postponed getting up for a while, unsure if anyone else was up, wondering what he'd do if he got downstairs and realized everyone else was still sleeping. After some time he decided to go and see if he was the only person awake, if he was, he'd leave and go back home. He might write a note to tell them he'd gone, but he didn't want to impose for longer than he knew he was allowed.

With that decision made, he got up slowly and washed of in the bathroom belonging to his room, put his socks back on – because he never slept with socks on if he could help it – and went downstairs as quietly as he could. A small part of him didn't want to wake anyone, feeling awkward as he was about experiencing yesterday and all, the same part of him also wished no one was up already because then he might have to stick around. It would be more comfortable for everyone if he was just gone when they got up, he was sure.

He drew a sigh of relief as he came downstairs because the kitchen was silent and nothing could be heard from the rest of the house. But when he was quietly looking for his bag, wondering if he might have brought it up to the room without thinking the day before, he was suddenly startled by a sudden noise behind him and he almost fell over in surprise, hitting his hand hard on a shelf as he tried to grab it on his way down.

“You alright?” someone asked, amusement apparent in their voice and Remus knew exactly what kind of look Sirius had on his face even before he'd regained his balance o look back at him.

“Yeah,” he replied and rubbed the back of his sore hand slightly as he spoke, trying to smile casually but feeling terribly flustered. “Yeah I was just-..”

“Not running off, are we?” Sirius grinned, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. His dark hair was put up in a bun at the back of his head and he looked dashing as ever, even though he had dark spots under his eyes and seemed ready to yawn, or possibly fall asleep, at any moment. Remus didn't know what to say to that, seeing as it was the truth. He didn't want to seem like he was a prick for not sticking around until everyone was up. “Don't worry about it,” Sirius then said and his grin turned into a more gentle smile. “Come on, let's have some coffee or something, before the others wake up. If you still want to leave after that, I'll not try to stop you,”

“Thank you,” Remus replied, feeling nervous all of a sudden. “But I don't drink-..”

“Coffee?” Sirius interrupted and shrugged. “I'll make you some tea then, I'd just hate to let you leave without a proper breakfast, you know? Anyway, the Potter's are filthy rich, you don't have to feel like you're imposing just for drinking a cup of tea.”

At this, Remus nodded and gave in, following Sirius back through the house to the still messy kitchen. There were punch bowls and dirty plates in the sink but the other didn't seem to care about those. Instead he strode over to the fridge and retrieved some milk and eggs, before he filled the electric kettle with water and started making coffee for himself. Remus leaned against the kitchen island and tried not to look too uncomfortable. His back was still aching terribly.

“So, would you tell me your name now?” Sirius asked after some minutes busying himself with making both coffee, tea and mix up some eggs for an omelet, or something like it. Remus was confused at first but then remembered that day at work and grinned slightly at the question.

“You'd like that, wouldn't you?” he replied and relaxed somewhat. To be able to keep some of his mysteriousness might be to his advantage after all.

“I would, yes,” Sirius grinned back over his shoulder before pouring the egg and milk mixture into a sauce pan. “But I could keep calling you Starbucks-guy if you prefer that?”

“And I could keep calling you Starlord,” Remus replied and gladly accepted the cup of tea Sirius handed to him. “And then we'd all be satisfied,”

“I was thinking about that,” the other said thoughtfully and stirred the eggs around somewhat before continuing. “Do you know my name? Or, did you know it at the time?”

“You tell me,” Remus replied, still grinning, but he was sure that response was rather telling.

“I thought so,” Sirius chuckled and stirred the eggs some more. “Because I didn't know at the time, and then you suddenly start calling me “Starlord” and I thought it couldn't just be a lucky guess, could it? Yes, you could be a comic book fan, but then there are other heros and villains that would suit my personality better-...”

“You really think so?”

“Well,” Sirius replied, looking taken aback by Remus' casual question. “I would believe so, yes. Anyway, but then I thought that even if you were a superhero fan, you wouldn't have picked Starlord unless you knew my actual name, or family history of names etc. So I thought if I ever got to talk to you again, I'd ask,”

“Yes, Sirius, I know your name,” he admitted to this and kept his cold hands on his cup of tea, wondering if it would be rude to ask for sugar and milk. “I work with Lily, remember? I've heard her complaining so many times about you and James coming into the shop when she's working that I feel like I know the both of you myself. No matter how strange that sounds,”

“It doesn't sound strange at all,” Sirius assured as he plated up scrambled eggs onto two plates and set them down on the kitchen island between them. He then went to fetch his coffee and brought the milk and sugar back with him, balancing the sugar jar on top of his cup to not have to turn around to fetch it again. “I think it's sweet that she complains about us, and that you've listened so intently you feel like you know us,”

“I haven't been listening very intently,” Remus grinned and reached for both milk and sugar. “It's just that she doesn't stop talking about you guys, so I can't do much to block it out,” This was a complete lie and judging by the look he was receiving form the other, Sirius had noticed. But he didn't comment on it and instead the two of them ate their scrambled eggs in silence for a moment.

“I am sorry though,” Sirius then suddenly stated and since Remus had no idea what he could mean with that, he looked up with raised eyebrows. “For being such an annoying customer,” Sirius grinned in explanation and shrugged. “I'm not normally like that with people I don't know, well, I am, but not with people who're just trying to do their jobs... So I'm sorry I was such a prick,”

“I've had worse,” Remus assured, smiling. “But thank you, I'm glad you can admit your own faults,”

“Oh, it's not a fault,” Sirius replied, his eyes filled with that same kind of mischievous glimmer as it had been that day in the coffee shop. “I'd say it's a virtue to be able to be a complete shit from time to time, you have no idea how much good it can do to be an ass to a stuck up person,”

“And I'm one of those stuck up people?” Remus asked, trying to sound hurt but it was hard to keep the grin off of his face.

“Nah nah,” Sirius hurried and shook his head slightly. “I'm just saying, sometimes when you meet someone that seems stuck up, it helps to be a little shit because it brings them out of their shell, you know? I wasn't saying you were one of those people, like, that's why I was apologizing in the first place, since I knew I wasn't being an ass in the good way,”

“Relax,” Remus smiled and met Sirius' eyes for a fleeting second, his heart leaping out of his chest before he quickly looked away. “I was just joking, I knew you weren't talking about me,”

“You know what?” Sirius laughed and stuffed his face with scrambled eggs before continuing. “I think you're a little shit too, you just don't wanna admit it to people,”

“Do you always judge people before you quite know them?” Remus replied, quirking a brow.

“Do you?” the other asked back and for some reason the grin he had on his lips made Remus feel all warm inside, but mostly on his cheeks where he was quite sure he was blushing.

It struck him suddenly that he was actually standing there, alone with the guy he'd been quietly crushing on for months, and it felt almost like they'd known each other for years. He'd been worried when Lily invited him to the party that Sirius would be too intimidating to talk to, but having him on his own proved to be almost relaxing. This was especially surprising since Remus had witnessed something the day before that most people would find embarrassing if a stranger saw. Sirius didn't seem to mind this at all as he kept looking back up from his food to meet Remus' eyes.

“Thank you,” Sirius suddenly said, breaking the silence once more. He was grinning down into his coffee cup but it wasn't a particularly happy grin. “I understand I must have freaked you out yesterday, and I just want you to know that I'm glad you were here, but that I'm sorry I put you though that,”

“Oh don't worry about it,” Remus hurried to smile but looked down into his own cup, not knowing where else to keep his gaze. “I'm sure you would have done the same if you were in my place, and it was just a drunken mishap, it's not like I'll judge you for it. Not at all,”

“I'm glad you won't,” the other nodded and looked up for a short moment before drinking again. “And even though that wasn't just a drunken fit for me, I'm glad you seem to be less traumatized by it than James,”

“How do you mean?” Remus asked, stealing a glance at Sirius as he spoke.

“Well, James wasn't too happy with me, as you can imagine,” the other explained with a shrug. “He's entitled to be mad, of course, but he's also used to me doing stupid things from time to time. I thought, since he was so upset with me, maybe you'd be feeling even worse, not being used to me and all. I thought maybe that's why you wanted to get out of here before anyone else was up, you know, to not have to look me in the eye today...”

Remus felt his ears grow warm and shook his head. He'd been shocked and all, of course you would be. He'd been there when someone jumped off the roof of a very tall house, not to mention having to put said person to bed without truly understanding the situation. But he wasn't traumatized by it, he was mostly worried Sirius might have meant for something else to happen when he jumped, besides him landing in the pool.

“I'm fine, by the way,” Sirius then stated, as if he'd read Remus' mind. “I seriously only wanted to see if I could fly, it was nothing else,”

“I know,” Remus lied and looked up to meet Sirius' smile. “And I'm fine, too. But it's nice to know you made me breakfast because you were worried, means you care,”

“Of course I care about my guardian angel,” the other teased and right when Remus thought his ears had cooled down, they reheated themselves again.

A while later, as Remus was just about to declare that maybe he should be off after all, there were footsteps in the staircase and before he could say a word or run for the door, a sleepy looking James entered the kitchen. He was soon followed by an equally sleepy looking Lily but she smiled brightly at Remus as she laid eyes on him.

“I thought you might have left already,” she said and went over to give him a soft hug, minding his back, knowing from work the level of pain he almost always had to live through. “You'd left your bed and all...”

“Yeah, Remus was about to sneak out the front door when I found him,” Sirius teased before Remus had the time to reply and he could feel his ears going red again.

“Are you kidding?” Lily asked grumpily and let her warm hand rest on the small of his aching back. It felt soft and reassuring to have her close. “Remus, that's so mean... I would have been so sad if I didn't get to say goodbye to you, you know,”

“I just thought that maybe you guys would want to be left alone...” Remus tried to explain, fiddling with the hem of his sweater as he spoke. “I wasn't doing it to be rude or anything...”

“We know, Remus,” James said while receiving a cup of coffee from Sirius. “But we're glad you didn't get the chance to leave, really,”

“Exactly,” Lily smiled and looked around at the others. “You were a lot of help last night, and we wanted to let you know that we appreciate everything you did, don't we, James? Sirius?”

“We do,” James agreed but Remus had noticed by now, through his own embarrassment, that James wasn't looking at Sirius when he spoke.

“Yeah,” Sirius agreed too, seeming to take no notice of the cold shoulder his friend was giving him. “I mean, it's not like we couldn't have driven past Starbucks later on to tell you, but it does seem classier to make you some breakfast before you go and all,”

“You guys make it sound so nice, what I did,” Remus grinned awkwardly and shrugged. “I hardly did anything note worthy and you would have been perfectly fine without me,”

“Don't talk yourself down like that,” Lily objected and shook her head as she spoke, her ginger curls flying about her as she did so. “We're thankful, just accept it. Did you get any breakfast by the way?” she then asked suddenly and looked at Sirius with annoyed eyes. “Don't tell me he's been standing here with only some tea for ages?”

“I got breakfast, don't worry,” Remus hurried and held his finished plate with scrambled eggs up in front of her, so that she'd stop her interrogation.

“See,” Sirius nodded and grinned. “I know what to do with hungry guests, Lily, don't worry about it,”

“Well, you never know when it comes to you, Sirius,” she grinned back and Remus breathed out. It had felt for a moment like there might be tension between the other three, but since James was now smiling as Sirius nudged against his side, it all seemed to be fine.

They stood together in the kitchen for a while, James and Lily drinking their hot beverages as they discussed the party. Even though the mood was cheerful now, although a bit sleepy still, they all seemed to have silently agreed to not mention Sirius flying attempt again. Remus didn't mind this and gladly told them of other things he'd noticed, like how someone seemed to have poured stronger alcohol in the punch and how there had been some kind of betting with cards going on in the living room. Eventually James left to go get changed and before Lily followed him, she turned to Remus and smiled.

“If you want a ride home we'll drive you,” she said. “We're going to go for a spin anyway,”

“But I live on the other side of town...” Remus tried to protest but she only laughed and turned to follow her boyfriend upstairs. Remus turned to Sirius at this, who was also grinning in amusement.

“Don't look at me,” he objected as he met Remus' eyes. “You better just do as these people say, they're impossible to argue with,”

“So I've noticed,”

When Sirius had finished his coffee a minute later, he helped Remus look for his lost bag. They found it underneath the shoe rack in by the guest entrance, where someone must have kicked it by accident (or on purpose, for some reason) the night before. By the time they'd done this, Lily and James were back downstairs and both of them looked completely rested, as if they hadn't been up most of the night after all. Not too long after that, Sirius was ready to leave as well and they all got into the Potter's gigantic car, getting to the garage form an inside passageway. The garage was bigger than Remus' entire house.

“Do you have everything, Remus?” James smiled at him as Remus slid into the backseat, where you could easily fit four people without having to feel crushed. Remus nodded and held his bag up before buckling himself in.

For some reason, no matter how relaxed and casual he had started feeling around Lily's friends, whenever Sirius was close to him, his heart gave a great, ridiculous leap and he had to catch his breath. Of course he knew the reason for this, but he'd hoped that it would get easier the longer the other was around. Sadly, that wasn't the case, since he almost sighed loudly when Sirius slid in next to him in the car, sitting closer than he had to.

“I hope you don't mind,” he asked, almost as if he'd noticed Remus shivering next to him and he hurried to shake his head in reply. “Good,” Sirius smiled and looked towards the front as he spoke. “I get car sick if I can't see the road, but Lily's legs are too long to fit in the back seat,”

“That's so not true!” Lily objected but laughed when she turned to look back at them. “You just wanna sit in the backseat for some reason, don't you?” At this, Remus could have sworn she gave him a wink and Sirius had shot him a short glance but by the time Remus looked back at the other, he was looking at Lily again. Remus couldn't even be sure if what he'd seen had been for real or just him imagining.

“Everyone buckled in?” Sirius now said, and judging from the fact that he himself wasn't wearing a seatbelt, Remus supposed he was changing the subject or being ironic. Lily only shook her head at him and after James had opened the carport, they drove off down the road.

After an eventful drive, where James continued to drive too fast down suburban roads and Lily kept reprimanding him for it, where Sirius rolled down the backseat windows and stuck his head out of it like a dog, and where James kept including Remus in every conversation which was something Remus hadn't at all been expecting but it made him feel very good about himself, they came to the street where he lived.

“You can let me off here,” Remus requested at the corner of the street, from where you still couldn't see his house. It wasn't really that he was ashamed of the way he lived, compared to the Potter's and all, it was just that his house was so different from theirs, and so was the street itself. Alright, maybe he was ashamed after all, but he'd much rather not have them know about his living conditions than have them comment on it or think less of him for it. Not that he thought they'd think less of him if they knew, but he didn't want to take that risk.

“No way,” Sirius said immediately, he'd rolled up the windows now and was looking out at the houses around him with a sceptical look. “We can't just let you walk out there alone,”

“I've done it a million times,” Remus smiled but as the other looked back at him, he realized Sirius looked truly worried. “Look, it's not such a bad neighborhood,” he assured and shrugged. “Yeah, the people here aren't very poor but they're nice people...”

“Sirius is right,” James butted in and started driving again, he had stopped where Remus had asked before. “It's not that we think it's unsafe though,” he smiled and met Remus' eyes in the rear-view mirror. “We owe you, Remus, the least we can do is drive you to your door. We're not gonna think less of you, if that's what you're worried about? We might be posh people, me and Sirius, or from posh families at least, but we're not shallow like that, are we Lily?”

“Uh-uh,” Lily answered and turned around in her seat to look at Remus. “Don't worry so much, alright?”

“I didn't think...” Remus was going to explain but all of them were smiling kindly at him and he fell silent. They truly were uncommonly kind people. He spent the rest of the trip, which lasted for about one and a half minute, with the biggest smile on his face as he looked out the window.

“Is it this one?” James suddenly asked and slowed the car down outside the faded green house that belonged to Remus' family.

“Yeah,” he replied as the smile vanished slowly from his face. “This is it,”

“I'll help you with your bag,” Sirius said, almost instantly and before Remus could protest, the other had grabbed his bag and was out of the door.

“It was really nice that you came,” Lily said and reached a hand back to try and ruffle his hair. Remus ducked under it with a tiny grin but gave it a kiss before opening the door next to him.

“It was,” James agreed. “Be sure to stop by more times, yeah?”

“Sure,” Remus nodded but he wasn't sure if he would dare. If he came around more often, they might realize how completely unoriginal he was and how boring he got in the long run. “Bye then,”

As he stepped out of the car, he felt a great weight fall back onto his shoulders. Sirius was waiting by the rusted metal gate that would take them into the over grown yard, past Remus' failed attempts at bringing the flowerbeds back to life and up the crumbling stone steps to the grey front doors. He didn't feel like taking another step closer, but Sirius standing there made it at least a bit easier.

“Are those morning glories?” Sirius asked as they came closer to the half dead flower beds. It was clear that he'd chosen that particular name of the flower because of what 'morning glory' could also mean, he was wearing a smug grin as he said it.

“No, but closely related,” Remus said and stopped for a moment, looking at the half wilted wine growing against the side of the house. “But I suppose you just wanted to say the name?”

“You see right through me, don't you?” Sirius laughed and gave Remus a pat on the back, a bit harder than his aching joints could take, but Remus pretended he wasn't feeling it and smiled back.

“It's because you're so see through,” he declared instead and turned his back on the dried out flower bed. “I'm afraid I'm not going to invite you inside, though,” he then smiled and reached for his bag in Sirius' hands. “It's too messy and my parents... well, it's just a mess and I wouldn't' want to keep the others waiting.”

“If you say so,” Sirius agreed and shoved his hands down his pockets when he'd ben relieved of what he'd been carrying. “Can I see you again?” he then asked, almost bluntly and Remus was so surprised he couldn't answer. “I mean, I'd like to see you again, if you wouldn't mind?” Sirius elaborated and he was scratching his neck now, his eyes fixed anywhere but Remus' face. “You know, maybe without the other guys around...”

“I...” Remus mumbled but had to swallow hard before he could actually speak properly. He was quite convinced this was not what it sounded like, and if it was, he was surely dreaming. They didn't know each other, Sirius had just met him really. How he could find Remus even remotely interesting was beyond him, and could probably only result in disappointment. Still Remus wanted to say yes, more than anything, because if they did spend more time together, maybe Sirius could see something in him that he wasn't aware of himself. Maybe they could at least be friends? Maybe this was only an invitation to become friends, after all, and it just sounded like something else to someone who was naïve and foolish.

“Remus?”

Apparently he'd been thinking too hard and long about it because when Sirius brought him back to reality, he was looking worried and Remus felt slightly light headed.

“Yeah,” he quickly replied and felt his cheeks flush again. “Sure, yeah, I'd love to,” he then added and smiled weakly.

“Yeah?” Sirius asked and his worried expression was quickly changed into a big smile. “Alright, awesome! I – I'll see you around then?”

“Mhm,” Remus nodded quickly and watched as the other, still smiling, turned around and jumped down the stony path, back towards the car. Sirius turned around at least a couple of times to grin at him before he was finally safe inside the vehicle and Remus felt completely wobbly in his knees. That probably hadn't happened, it couldn't have.

Before James drove off he honked a couple of times and as Remus shook his head, both in amusement and trying to shake off the feeling of surrealism, they drove off down the street again.

***

“What took you so long?” James asked as soon as they'd turned the corner of the street and Sirius had rolled down the windows again.

“I'm afraid I have no idea what you're talking about,” Sirius grinned and leaned his head against the window sill, completely ignoring the road as he breathed in the soft air form outside. “We were just talking about gardening,”

“Gardening?” James said sceptically and threw his friend a quick glance in the mirror. Sirius didn't look back. “Since when do you care about gardening?”

“There are a great many things you don't seem to know about me, James Potter,” Sirius only replied, closing his eyes blissfully.

“What Sirius is trying to say is that he's got a crush,” Lily explained and as James laughed, Sirius reopened his eyes. “Oh don't look at me like that,” she quickly said before the other had a chance to deny it. “It's obvious you know, and it's not like I blame you,”

“Oh man,” James kept grinning. “I thought the day would never come,”

“And what's that supposed to mean?” Sirius grumbled and leaned back against the seat, feeling put on the spot and almost embarrassed. “For your information, Prongs, I have had a large number of crushes that I've never told you about,”

“Yeah, maybe you have,” James nodded, giving Lily an amused look before he continued, eyes now on the road. “But not a crush where you've started talking about gardening just to get a chance to spend some time with the person, I'm sure,”

“You make me out to be so shallow...”

“Oh stop moaning, Pads,” James smiled, sounding more kind than mocking now. “He's a nice kid, and he certainly seems to be more house trained than you are,” At this Lily muzzled a laugh, making her cough. “And anyone you like enough to talk gardening with has my blessing, in case you were worried about that,”

“Thanks, dad,” he replied, sarcasm dripping from every word.

“Sirius,” James said, now sounding completely serious which threw him off track slightly. “I have something I need to tell you, and I should have told you long ago. I'm not your real father,”

“Oh my God, James,” Sirius groaned before laughing. “I have NO idea,”

“I know, right?” James grinned again. “I'm actually your cousin,”

“Seriously though, guys,” Lily interrupted, it didn't make them any more serious but they quieted their giggles slightly to give her room to talk. “Sirius, if you're truly interested in Remus that way, and I'm not saying you have to be just because I joked about it before, but if you are, I need you to know that he's... he's special, ok?”

“Special?” Sirius grinned and leaned between the front seats to hear her better. “Like what, he's fragile and small and needs love? Or maybe he's got a room full of posters of my face, or spends all his free time cuddling tarantulas and doing magic rituals in his basement? What do you think she means, Prongs?” James was almost peeing himself with suppressed giggles.

“I'm serious,” Lily said and she sure sounded annoyed now. “It's nothing like that! Remus is an actual person, with real feelings-..”

“Unlike all other emotionless humanoid robots I've flirted with so far, you mean?” Sirius interrupted, trying not to giggle himself.

“And I don't want him to get hurt because you decide to lead him on, on one of your whims,” Lily continued, as if she hadn't heard him and Sirius felt kind of bad for making her seriousness into a joke.

“I know, I know, and I won't,” he promised instead and shot her a more serious smile this time, resting his palm on her shoulder. “I get it, he's your friend and you know what I'm like. I don't blame you, but I'll be careful, don't worry,”

“Thank you, Sirius,” she nodded. “For listening to me,” she then added and gave James ha hard slap on the thigh with her purse.

“What have I done?” James objected, looking slightly outraged but still trying not to laugh.

“You figure it out,” she replied grumpily before grinning at Sirius. “You're both such assholes, I don't know why I ever started hanging out with you two.”

“Because you love us,” Sirius explained casually. “And because he's good in bed, presumably,”

“Naughty!” James called and kept his eyes on the road. “Bad dog...”

“It's true, though,” Lily whispered over her shoulder after a moments silence, making Sirius laugh again as James looked away in slight embarrassment.

***

Remus got up early the next morning to head to work. He hadn't slept well at all during the night and only really dozed off at around four in the morning. When his mother got into the shower at half past five he'd given up and gotten out of bed. His body was stiff and his head ached, but he still had the happy fluttering of small birds in is stomach from the day before. He hadn't been kept up only because of the pain, but also because he'd been thinking and thinking about what Sirius had said and what it could mean. He really didn't want to fool himself into believing something that might not be true, but only the knowledge that Sirius wanted to spend more time with him was enough to make him lift off of his feet and sore out through the window.

As it was, he came early to work but that didn't matter much. It turned out one of the girls working there had just called in sick and he could stand in for her without much trouble. The morning rush was just as hectic as always but for some reason he didn't feel the pain as much as he normally did. Given, he'd been having a couple of days off, but he suspected he was all too happy to be bothered by the pain just now. Even the annoying customers weren't as annoying as usual, when they came swagging in with their school bags, obviously skipping class or planning on “arriving fifteen minutes late with Starbucks”.

As the morning turned into lunchtime, Remus back started making itself known as the sorest part of his body and he excused himself for a lunch break, hoping that and a couple of painkillers would help. But before he had the time to sit down and eat, one of his coworkers came calling for him, because apparently someone was there to see him. By the sound of it and the blush on her cheeks, it was Sirius, and he'd been very charming.

“You just can't keep away from me, can you?” Remus asked as he stepped out into the shop itself, wiping his hands on his apron because sadly enough they'd grown all sweaty in a matter of seconds.

“Of course not,” Sirius grinned and held up two large cups with hot beverage and two Triple cheese toasties on a plate. “And I was scared you might be starving so I decided to come by and buy you lunch,”

“You're in luck,” Remus grinned and tried not to look too intently at the other, before he decided to lead them to one of the tables by the window. He didn't much like eating out in the café when he was wearing his apron and all, he wasn't even sure if he was allowed, but nothing could be done about that now. “I wasn't supposed to come in until after lunch today,” he then explained and sat down carefully, wincing slightly at the pain in his hip and back, hoping Sirius hadn't noticed. “But someone called in sick, and I was also just about to eat lunch,”

“Well,” Sirius said and shrugged. “I know these things, my friend. It's like a sixth sense, but better,”

Remus only shook his head and gladly accepted one of the toasties on a napkin, followed by his cup, which proved to be regular tea with sugar and milk in it. He was sure Sirius had done it to prove he remembered something about him, and he was glad. He'd never much liked all the sweet stuff that he'd had the chance of tasting since he started working at Starbucks. It all just had a bad after taste and made your teeth feel coated with sugar for the rest of the day.

They sat there together, eating and talking casually for almost half an hour, laughing at people walking past outside, discussing music, difference in upbringing and more before Remus suddenly realized that his lunch break was over. He didn't want to leave at that point. Talking with Sirius was just like talking with someone he'd known his entire life, though he'd never had anyone like that before so he couldn't really know what that felt like. But he suspected this was the feeling. Sirius had been kind but teasing, interested in everything Remus said and even though the reason for that was a complete mystery for him, Remus couldn't help but feel very good about himself. For once, someone wouldn't wait to hear what he had to say about something, for once, someone super kind and hot actually didn't get repulsed by seeing his face.

When someone behind the counter started waving for Remus to come back and do what he was paid to do, he lingered just a moment more, eyes searching for Sirius', just in an attempt to see if this was all just a ruse, if this was nothing to him but a game to see how far he could get. But the smile the other gave him was nothing but genuine and Remus thought he might jump and scream and cry at the same time.

“I'm sorry,” he said and got up, correcting his apron slightly and wiping some invisible crumbs off of the fabric. “I have to get back, but.. thank you so much for lunch, it was great,”

“Yeah, don't worry about it,” Sirius smiled and started piling everything together before he got up to stand while saying goodbye. Remus' throat was dry now and he had trouble looking back at Sirius, feeling maybe he was expected to do something as a thank you. Sirius, once again, seemed to almost read his mind and only chuckled as Remus looked down at his feet. “I'll call you, if you want?”

Before Remus had time to answer that yes, he'd love if Sirius called him, the other reached his hand slightly towards him and let his index finger rest for half a second against Remus' knuckles. It was just the smallest touch, if Remus hadn't kept his gaze downwards he might not even have felt it, but as it was, it was just enough to help him look back up again.

“Yeah,” he replied, meeting Sirius' eyes for a short while, the place where the other's finger had brushed against him seemed to pound like an open wound. “You'd better,”

“I will then,” Sirius nodded, smiling, before stepping out of the way so that Remus could get back to work.

It took him at least half an hour of spilling hot water on his hands before he was back to his normal efficient self again, with more than one person behind the counter asking him if he was alright and if that by any chance had been his boyfriend. Sirius had lingered outside for a while, smoking, while laughing at Remus though the window, and it wasn't until he'd finally waved goodbye and left that Remus dared to breathe out. There were annoying flutters in his stomach again and a big smile on his face. He was pretty sure he'd never felt this happy in his entire life.

When his shift finally ended and he was on the way home, tired and hungry, his phone rang and he was half surprised, half amused, when he saw the number wasn't one he had in his phone. Sirius declared that he'd been sure that Remus must have gotten off work by now and that he was therefore free to talk. After keeping Remus company all the way home, making him laugh until Remus thought he'd get an asthma attack, the two of them kept talking as Remus made a snack and brought it up to his room.

They had so much to talk about – although Remus hardly remembered what they'd talked about at all when the call ended – that they spoke for hours, Remus having to charge his phone two times not to break the call. Remus also realized that he had a call time limit on his phone because every four hours it would automatically cancel the call and leave him breathless, until Sirius called him up again, laughing.

“You home alone then?” Sirius asked after hours of giggling about stupid images and videos they'd sent each other over skype. They had, for some reason, not talked at all about whether or not they were alone or where they were, Remus had only mentioned that he'd been on his bed at one point, which was still the case.

“No, I don't think so,” he replied and removed the phone momentarily from his now aching ear to listen and see if he could hear something form downstairs. “I think both mum and dad are home, but they usually leave me alone if I don't seek them out myself,”

“You're lucky they give you that at least,” Sirius sighed. During their conversation, people had been banging on his door from time to time, screaming something at him with such loud voices even Remus could hear what they had been saying. “I mean, I understand it gets lonely,” Sirius then hurried to add. “It's just like, I can't even take a nap or read a book without them questioning my motives,”

“What motives could someone even have for reading a book?”

“Don't ask me,” Sirius mumbled, giving a half hearted chuckle soon after. “They probably think that I'll turn into a junkie or that books will make me gay or something... Of course they have know idea that I'm not straight, they just assume that I am, like with everyone else that they know. Did you know that my cousin just came out as bisexual and my mum like gathered up every photo of her we had in the house and burned them out in the yard?”

“Really?” Remus asked, feeling his stomach drop. The Black family didn't seem too pleasant to live in.

“Yeah,” he replied and sighed. “She's living with her girlfriend's parents at the moment, so she's alright, I saw her the other day. But like, imagine your family erasing you from their lives? Not just cutting you of financially or something, but actually burning your baby pictures and pretending you never existed...”

“Shit...” was all Remus could mumble, understanding not only why this was a horrible thought, but also why Sirius had suddenly lowered his voice when talking about it.

“I've already made James promise he'll take me in when the time comes, though,” Sirius then suddenly chuckled. “So you don't have to worry about me!”

“Don't say that...” Remus protested, but he realized suddenly that he was also whispering, as if he too was afraid Sirius' family would hear. “You don't know what will happen, maybe they'll-..”

“Come around?” Sirius interrupted, not sounding angry or upset by it, but calm, and Remus was sure he was smiling on the other end. “My family has never said one good word about anyone who breaks the norm, I mean, even when my brother and I were younger, we used to play together but because we played family and I was the mum, my father decided to keep us apart in the end, he thought I was a bad influence on my brother so him and mother decided they had to do something about that,”

Sirius paused, as if he was listening for someone outside the door and then Remus heard the scraping of fabric against the microphone and someone unlocking a door, opening it and closing it again.

“Sorry,” Sirius then chuckled, the bed squeaking as he sat back down on it. “I heard the cat, he was trying to eavesdrop so I forced him inside,”

“You have a cat?” Remus smiled and rolled over on his back, looking up at his boring sloping wooden ceiling. There were still holes in the panels from where he'd put up posters when he was younger. Now it just looked gross and boring.

“Yeah, didn't I tell you?” Sirius answered, before pulling in air through his teeth like he'd gotten hurt on something. “The bastard hates me, really,” he then declared, amusement in his voice. “I know people say that about their pets and they don't really mean it, but it's very mutual, I hate him too,”

“Is he violent?”

“Are you kidding me?” Sirius laughed and Remus closed his eyes, picturing the look on the other's face as he did so. “This little shit cat is the coziest cat ever, to everyone but me. I mean, he can rest in my mother's lap for hours but if I try to puck him up he'll bite me everywhere and try and claw my eyes out,”

“But why do you try and pick him up then?” Remus asked, the smile on his face impossible to wash of.

“Because I'm lonely and I like cuddles, what else? He acts like I'm a dog though, so maybe it's not so strange he doesn't like me. Or maybe my mother bribed him into hating me, you never know...”

Sirius paused again and Remus didn't know if maybe it was because he was tired, or possibly trying to get the cats attention again but he gave the other time, listening to him breathing calmly on the other side.

“When I was seven, my brother was six, my parents decided that we weren't allowed to share room anymore,” Sirius then suddenly said, his voice drowsy as he spoke. “We moved to this house and got separate bedrooms, Regulus couldn't sleep alone at night and used to sneak into my room after lights out, we used to be really close. But he always got to do things, like, my father would take him fishing and invest in his education, bring him over to friend's houses and so on... And it wasn't until Regulus stopped coming into my bedroom at night, when we were like eleven – twelve, that I realized why he got the special treatment and I didn't,”

“That's what they did to separate you?” Remus asked, not really knowing what to say to show his support in this. He hadn't had the best of childhoods either, even had his fair share of bad parenting and feeling neglected, but nothing like what Sirius had gone thought.

“Yeah,” Sirius mumbled and Remus could almost imagine him lying there on his bed, face half buried in a pillow, a murderous cat watching his every move and a family outside the door who'd throw him out of the house without any thread on his body if they found out Sirius wasn't particularity interested in a normative life. “Truth is, it didn't take long before Regulus caught on, either. He's hardly talked to me for two years now, won't look me in the eye when we meet on the landing or when we're both at the dinner table, won't answer me when I ask him a question, instead he turns to my mother or father to answer, as if I wasn't even there... It won't be hard for them to forget me, whenever I'm found out or decide to just come out because I can't take it anymore. I'd say it won't be long, but then again I think it would be good for me to get out of here, you know?”

“Maybe, but I still think it should be on your terms, not because they throw you out,” Remus said. “I know you don't have much choice, I'm not saying you can change them or their shitty views, but I wish you could get the chance to just be who you are, without having to worry more about the future than the next guy, you know?”

“Funny you should bring that up,” Sirius smiled and there was a rustle of fabric before he continued. “I built a tent out of my duvet,” was all he said and Remus could hear the slight chuckle that left his lips afterwards. “Where was I?”

“I'm not sure,” Remus yawned and got up to pull the curtains in front of his window, knowing it was already too late for him to function properly at work the day after but he just didn't care at the moment. “I think you were changing the subject,”

“Oh yeah, that,” Sirius replied and his voice sounded muffled inside his tent of covers. “Well, truth is, I'm not sure I am a guy,”

Remus didn't quite understand at first where this came from and what it meant, until he tried to remember what he'd said before Sirius had built his tent. 'The next guy' being a gendered term, maybe this was actually what it had sounded like after all. The sleepiness was washed off of him almost immediately as he sat back down on the side of the bed. There was a prickling sensation in his fingertips and his heart was beating terribly fast.

“What do you mean?” he eventually decided to ask when Sirius remained quiet, not wanting to jump to conclusions just yet. Sirius seemed to hesitate, but before too long he spoke again, still in the same low, almost whispering voice.

“I mean, I don't think I'm a guy, in the way that I don't...” he paused and sighed. “It's hard to explain, I don't mind being called “him” anything like that, it's just... I don't feel comfortable when I know people assume things about me because I'm a guy, you know?” he then explained and Remus realized he'd been holding his own breath. “A couple of years ago I used to have a lot of days when I just wanted to present as a girl and have people call me “she” and stuff, and I still think it's awesome when people mistake me for a girl from behind or stuff like that, but I don't think I'm a girl either? So, I guess I'm nothing... if that makes sense?”

“It does,” Remus hurried to say, nodding at the same time even though he knew Sirius couldn't see it. “I... I don't think it's strange at all, and if you ever decide, you know, that you want to be called something else then just say so, alright? Cause I wouldn't want you to feel uncomfortable,”

“Thanks, Remus,” Sirius smiled. Before either of them could say something else though, there was a hard rap of knuckles against the wood of Sirius' door and someone spoke loudly about him having to go to bed. “I'm sorry,” Sirius then mumbled, sounding more upset than Remus had expected. “I need to go, I'll talk to you some other time, yeah?”

“Yeah!”Remus agreed and felt his stomach drop. There was so much more he'd been wanting to say before hanging up, things he might not get the chance to say now. “Sirius, wait,” he blurted out, scared the other would hang up before he could stop him.

“Yeah?” the other replied, sounding like he had been far away from the phone and returned when he heard Remus calling.

“Me too,” Remus hurried to say, not really knowing where to start or how much time he'd have. When Sirius didn't reply, he went on, speaking as quickly as possible. “I mean, I'm... I'm kind of like that too but not really the same, I'm not sure if Lily's told you but I'm, I kind of know what you're talking about because I've felt like that too and I guess what I'm trying to say is that the reason I wouldn't let you into the house earlier was because my parents never accepted me, the real me, and I was scared that if you knew-...”

“I wouldn't accept you either?” Sirius ended his sentence for him and to Remus' relief, he could hear the other smiling. “As confusing as that was, I think I understand what you're trying to tell me,” Sirius then close to chuckled, almost as if he'd snapped out of the dark mood he'd been in just a moment ago. “Thank you, for telling me,” he then said and Remus fell back against the pillows with a smile on his lips again. “And just for the record, I'd never think less of you, especially not for actually being more like me than I thought,”

“I never thought I'd dare,” Remus mumbled and pulled his blanket up over his head. “I've always passed well, so when I got enough money for hormones and stuff I just kind of did it, as quickly as I could, so I wouldn't have to deal with it but... well, you know what parents can be like at their worst, I guess. My parents weren't like yours, obviously, but they've been trying to change me for a really long time, so,”

“That's fucked up,” Sirius sighed and his bed squeaked as he moved around in it. “I'm sorry, Remus, you don't deserve that...”

“Neither do you,” Remus assured and closed his eyes.

“Promise we'll talk about this again?” the other suddenly asked and you could clearly hear him feeling stressed about having to hang up now. “I mean, I have to leave but I don't want to let this subject go, do you know what I mean?”

“Yeah, I promise,” Remus nodded and yawned, still smiling. “I wouldn't miss it for the world,”

“You tired?” Sirius asked, still smiling it seemed and it wasn't until Remus now thought about it that he realized just how exhausted he was.

“Mhm,”

“Go sleep then,” the other close to whispered. “I'm very glad I got to know you, Remus,” he then said and all Remus could do in reply was to smile. “This way, it's all just a bit easier to take.”

 


	4. Chapter 4

The day after Remus and Sirius had spoken on the phone for the first time, it was clear that Remus wouldn't be able to escape the friendship with the rest of Lily's friends. Not that he wanted to escape, but he had been scared they'd quickly realize how boring he was. This was not the case, it seemed, because a month later, Remus seemed to have become a part of their inner most group of friends.

It had started with James texting Remus two days after the party, asking whether or not he wanted to get picked up together with Lily after work and come with them over to the Potter's again. James had assured that this time there would be no alcohol and not too many people. Remus had hesitated but agreed, which had probably been the best thing he'd done in his entire life, the agreeing bit, that is.

Just as James had promised, there hadn't been a lot of people around. Only Lily, Sirius and their friend Peter, who seemed to be slightly less social than the others at a first glance, but as soon as he'd gotten used to Remus being around, started puling jokes that made Sirius fall to the floor in a trembling, laughing mess. With James and Sirius always being the cool ones, at least in Peter's eyes it seemed, Remus was rather convinced that Peter had been just like him at one point; a kid without influence and friends that just admired the two others from afar. Watching the three of them from the kitchen, where he helped Lily with dinner, Remus imagined Peter being a stray animal, just like himself, that those two idiot friends had taken in, patched up and given just enough love to remain loyal to them forever.

It was strange to suddenly be a part of a friend group that had obviously been together for years already, Remus wasn't denying that. They already had their inside jokes and their own sort of humor, they had strange nicknames for each other that took hours to explain if Remus dared to ask about them, but it didn't take more than a couple of days before he started realizing that for some reason he was one of them now.

The first real sign, apart from having been invited over to the Potter's every day for an entire week, was when Peter had insisted on taking pictures of them all, out in the garden. He'd brought his polaroid camera and had nagged at Sirius for half an hour before he agreed to be in it. Remus had watched them from where he was sitting in the shade under a tree, not wanting to disturb them but laughing at Sirius' stubbornness nonetheless. But as they all had gathered by the side of the pool and where about to snap the shot, James had called for Remus to join them, and when Remus protested slightly, both Sirius and James had come over to the tree in an attempt to convince him, or else they'd carry him to the pool if they had to.

That was just the first indication though, there had been many others. Like Remus getting to stay the night and get a ride with Lily every morning. Or Peter inviting Remus personally to come to his photography class when they were showing all their work to family and friends. Or when the Mr and Mrs Potter came home from their business trip and greeted Remus with recognition, almost as if James had already told them about him.

Before Remus knew it, it was a part of his routine to text daily with three people (not counting Lily) whom he'd never thought he'd get to know in the first place. He'd never felt so accepted in his entire life, never so appreciated and never so cared for. To say that he wished for it to last would be an understatement, if ever there was one.

During this month of his life, Sirius had frequently visited Remus at work, but after the first time, he always texted first to make sure Remus was there and free for lunch. Meeting him for lunch always meant that Remus didn't want to go back to work however, and on more than one occasion, Sirius had stuck around in the café, ordering coffee from time to time, waiting for Remus' shift to end. Afterwards they'd stroll down the street, just talking, sometimes eating ice cream, once going to see a movie. Remus wasn't sure if what they were doing would classify as being friends or dating, probably the first, but he didn't mind. Spending time with Sirius had proven to be one of the most interesting things he'd ever done, no matter if it was as friends or something else.

They'd talked a lot about being trans, but only when they weren't with the others. Sirius said that the others knew about him, but he didn't want to have to force Remus to tell the others something he didn't want to share, and Remus was thankful. It wasn't that he was ashamed, but he wasn't ready to talk about those kind of things just yet, at least not with too many people.

It was such a relief to finally have friends who knew his secrets, who kept them to themselves and wouldn't expose him to anyone even if their lives depended on it, Remus was sure. He'd trusted Lily almost as soon as she'd stepped into the shop and before he knew it, he'd told her. She had taken it very gracefully and never let anything slip, but would occasionally come up and put her arms around him in the staff room, whispering what a pretty boy he was, just to make him feel a tiny bit better about himself. Sirius turned out to be like that too. Knowing now that Remus had to struggle at home, he made sure to always keep him company in some way. Either he invited Remus out of the house on long midnight strolls, or he'd call him up on the way home from work and they'd talk for hours again, sometimes they only texted, but even then Sirius could manage to lit a tiny smile in Remus' face, no matter where he was or what he was doing.

As the weeks passed, Remus slowly got used to all these texts and new friendships. He got used to being invited over, so much so that he couldn't imagine his life without the refuge that was the Potter's house. If they hadn't taken him in, what would he have been doing? He'd probably be sitting up in his attic room, studying or scribbling words in attempts to write a poem, or maybe he'd be in the dried up garden trying to save his moonflower, maybe he'd be downstairs in the living room with his dad, listening to old records and wishing that this man would just start calling him Remus soon. It was safe to say that his quality of life had improved drastically, as well as his appetite, his thirst for adventure and the frequency of his smiles and laughs.

He'd been wondering for a while if Sirius didn't stare at him from time to time when he smiled. Remus had caught his eye a couple of times, and Sirius had always smiled back at him before turning away, not tried to hide that he'd been looking, like most people would. But Remus soon grew unsure if he'd actually been imagining it, just because he wanted it to be true. Of course Sirius would look at someone who was laughing, most people would. Still, even as Remus told himself he'd been imagining the frequent glances, he felt the other watch him from time to time, when Sirius knew Remus wasn't looking back.

***

One rainy day, when Remus had gotten up all too early to open up the coffee shop, Sirius arrived as usual around lunch time, the biggest grin on his face and a new leather jacket on. Remus only grinned and shook his head before the other even tried to explain, left the counter and removed his apron to go join Sirius in the café.

“So what's all this then?” he asked as he sat down opposite him, not paying much attention to what Sirius had bought for them to eat. With “all this”, he was referring both to the jacket, and to the gloves and helmet resting in the window next to them.

“I bought a motorbike,” Sirius grinned broadly and sipped some of his pink coloured drink, making a disgusted face before adding: “Shit this is gross,”

“I thought you liked black coffee?” Remus smiled before realizing what Sirius had just said and dropping his jaw an the floor. It took him a second to collect himself and in that frame of time, Sirius replied.

“Well, yeah, but I just like this one because it's so pink, you know?”

“Sirius,” Remus exclaimed and looked out the window, seeing a great big black bike parked halfway up the walkway. “A bike? Are you kidding me? Why did you do that?”

“Cause I wanted to,” Sirius shrugged and Remus couldn't quite read the expression he was given. Sirius was grinning still, and he looked amused by Remus' questions, but there was something else in those eyes that he didn't understand at all. It was like Sirius was hardly listening, like you could tell him anything at this very moment and he still wouldn't stop ginning or take your thoughts into account.

“Yes, but do you even know how to drive one? Do you have a license?” Remus asked, feeling his heart beat very quickly in his chest. He didn't know what to do in a situation like this, other than letting James know what was going on of course.

A week back or so, James had pulled Remus aside while Sirius and the other's were cooking up some food. He'd told Remus that sometimes, like that night at the party, Sirius would get an idea into his head that he couldn't shake off, if he didn't try it out. It could be anything from doing the cinnamon challenge to jumping off a roof because he thought he could fly. James had made a point of explaining this to Remus so that he knew that when it happened, and it would always happen, he'd make sure to inform James as quickly as possible. Remus had agreed and thought much about it that same evening. He'd felt bad about promising to tell James if Sirius did something that others might believe to be idiotic, because he believed maybe Sirius did these things because of an underlying reason. He'd actually made up his mind about not telling James at all, if he ever saw Sirius do one of these things, but as he was now sitting there together with Sirius, realizing Sirius might die as soon as he got up on that bike again, telling James about it was the only thing he could think about. Especially if he couldn't make Sirius see reason himself.

“Do you know how many people die on one of those things?” he continued as Sirius just drank from his plastic cup, not seeming to have heard him. “Sirius, listen to me! You can't leave on that thing, I won't have it! I don't want you to get hurt, I don't want you to think your life isn't worth more than that,”

“What are you going on about?” Sirius close to interrupted and leaned over slightly to place his palm on Remus' hand, that was resting on the table top. “I'm not going to get hurt, Remus, don't worry so much,” he then smiled and Remus thought his heart would stop, there was no getting to him, was there? “Besides, I know how to drive it as fast as the wind! You should see me on it, Remus, it's like I'm flying! It's the greatest feeling I've ever felt,”

“But Sirius-..” Remus tried, a lump growing in his throat. But the other only shook his head.

“It's all great, you'll see,” he said and got up, having finished his drink already. “I have to get back out there,” he then explained as Remus stood up as well. “It's just the place to be right now, out there,”

“Promise me you'll be careful,” Remus almost whispered, realizing now where he'd seen that look in the other's eyes before; on the night where he helped Sirius into bed after he'd jumped off the roof. It was like the stone in his throat had dropped into his stomach and he felt nauseous and dizzy. The gnawing feeling that Sirius was going to get himself hurt grew worse and worse as the other started getting ready to leave. When Sirius turned around and walked out the door without as much as a promise or a “goodbye”, Remus thought he might scream. “Sirius, wait!!”

He left the table and hurried after the other out into the sunlit street, heart pounding hard in his chest and his eyes feeling dry and irritated. Sirius was just about to get onto the motorcycle but stopped for a moment to look at Remus, who had just caught up with him.

“Darling Remus, whatever is the matter?” he asked, still beaming but reached to put a firm hand on Remus' shoulder, almost as if to calm him down. “I told you not to worry, you don't have to look like I'm already dying,”

“But what if you do get hurt, Sirius?” Remus said while shaking his head and brushing the other's hand off of his shoulder. “You don't know what might happen, doesn't that frighten you?”

“I can honestly say that it doesn't,” came the carefree reply and Remus sighed deeply, his eyes wandering up into the sky for a moment as he fought off desperate tears.

“But it frightens _me_ ,” he then said, realizing when he'd said it that his voice was shaking violently.

“You seem to have lost your sense of adventure, Remus,” Sirius smiled and now he was the one to shake his head, although in an amused sort of way, which only made matters worse for Remus. “You should live a little as well, you know, it can't be good for you to always work work work instead of getting out there and try the air under your wings, live a little,”

“Unlike you, Sirius, I _have_ to work to be able to live,” Remus exclaimed, even though he realized this was getting off the subject. “But at least working as a barista won't get me into any serious trouble-..”

“Not unless you spill boiling water on yourself,” Sirius interrupted with a shrug. “I've heard that can leave serious burns,”

“Why won't you listen to me?!” Remus close to yelled, making people in the street stop and turn to look at them. “Doesn't your life matter to you? Do you want to get yourself into the hospital?”

“Of course my life matters to me,” the other replied, still casually, scratching his neck as if he'd been bitten by a bug. “Why would you think it doesn't?”

Remus had to close his eyes to gather his thoughts, during which time Sirius put his helmet on – you could at least be thankful for that – and was just getting onto the vehicle when Remus looked back at him again.

“I get the feeling it doesn't since you're not listening to a word I'm saying!” Remus now hurried to explain and reached out to put a hand on Sirius' arm, trying anything he could to make him stick around a tiny bit longer. “I'm telling you this is dangerous, you could get yourself hurt, killed even! Sirius, please stay, I'll go home early, we can do something, just.. just don't drive away on that thing, please,”

“Your sentiment gives you credit,” Sirius smiled and as he spoke he reached up to let his glove covered thump stroke a tear from Remus' cheek. It made Remus' breath hitch in his throat and another tear fell. “But Remus, you have to trust me on this, I won't get hurt, I promise. I'll even be extra careful if you want, I just have to do this, alright?”

“But-..” Remus tried, to which Sirius only smiled and shook his head.

“Remus, I love you, but you gotta realize that I'm old enough to make my own decisions and you're not my parent, so please don't nag,”

“I just don't want you to get hurt, how is that nagging?!”

“It just is,” Sirius shrugged and before Remus could say another word, the engine roared on and within minutes Sirius had disappeared down the street.

Remus didn't know what to do. He was shaking and his body felt almost numb, like he had just woken up from a long nap with no recollection of what he'd done before falling asleep. His appetite was gone, more than gone, he still felt nauseous and his chest heaved heavily underneath his T-shirt. He had to let James know, he had to get out of there, they had to make sure Sirius was found and stopped before he actually got hurt. The thoughts rumbled around in his mind like thunder and his body soon started aching like it hadn't ached in close to a month. There was nothing at all he could do, was there?

***

Sirius' feet were aching as he walked down the road, his boots still not shaped after his feet properly and his heals bleeding from where the leather had dug into them. This didn't much bother him thought, for one, the pain in his knees and his left arm was worse, and two, when feeling the pain he felt quite alive, which was the cause of the smile on his face. The sky was a dark purple, fading into deep blue but there was still a soft line of delicate pink straight ahead above the tree line. He'd been walking for at least an hour now, probably more and it wasn't until now that he'd even thought of looking down at his phone.

He had so many missed calls and messages that it made him laugh. He was missed apparently, which was kind of a good feeling, to be honest. He didn't bother to read any of the messages, his eyes were hurting somewhat. Instead he decided to call James back, hoping he wouldn't wake him up, since it was twelve and all. Funnily enough, his friend answered the phone immediately, which almost never happened.

“Sirius?” was all he said, and if Sirius wasn't mistaken, he sounded anxious.

“No, of course not,” Sirius replied, grinning. “This is the Pope speaking,”

The call was ended. Sirius looked down at his phone, wondering for a moment whether or not it had run out of battery but it seemed the call had been ended from James' side of the line.

“Weird,” Sirius mumbled but shrugged and called back again. It took a while before the call was answered this time, and it was silent except for someone breathing at the other side. “Did you just hang up on me?” Sirius asked, kicking some rocks off of the road as he walked.

“Where are you?” was all James asked and this rather annoyed Sirius.

“I'm fine, thanks for asking,” he answered and looked up into the sky. “How're you?”

“Where are you?” James repeated and now that Sirius thought about it, he didn't have a clue.

“On a road,” he answered this time and stopped to look around for a sign. “In the countryside, I'd say,”

“Are you hurt?”

“Not severely, no,” Sirius grinned and looked down at his jeans that had been torn by the knees, where blood had coloured them a deep red a couple of hours ago. “Maybe a tiny bit,”

“Do you want to get picked up?”

“I think I'll be fine,” Sirius assured, but he wasn't much paying attention to what words came out of his own mouth, he was too busy watching the pink stripe on the sky turn to purple and vanish against the horizon. “You just go back to sleep, Prongs,”

James hung up without a word again. Sirius kept holding the phone in his hand for a while longer, not answering when Lily called, contemplating answering when Remus called but deciding not to. He'd let them all have a good nights sleep. He had some more walking to do before he could do the same and there was no reason for him to answer calls just to let his phone run out of battery.

After another hour and a half, a car came driving down the road and stopped further up the street. The man inside stepped out and waved, asking if Sirius was alright, offering him some soda and a ride back to the outskirts of London after hearing he'd crashed his motorcycle into a ditch further up the road. Sirius accepted gladly, his legs bothering him more now than before. The thought of getting a ride seemed like the best alternative for him and soon he was sitting in the front seat in the small car, drinking some coke and pressing a cloth against his sore knee, talking with the stranger who'd picked him up about life and thins concerning it.

After an hours drive – Sirius laughing at the realization that he'd driven very far off with his motorcycle, which hadn't at all been his best idea – they reached civilization he recognized and before the man drove of, Sirius gave him a 20 for the trouble, which seemed to make the other very happy. Sirius only grinned at the irony of life when he realized he'd just given away the last money he'd had on his person and now didn't have anything bus fair or a cab.

The air was cool and soft against his aching body though, and he started walking again, hands shoved into his pockets and fingers wrapped around his phone. Nobody had called him in a while, but both Lily and Remus had tried a number of times before stopping. Sirius hadn't payed much thought to why that would be, seeing as he'd talked to James and let him know he was alright, why then would his girlfriend and Remus need to call him as well?

The night went on as he walked, birds started waking up all around him and a stray cat came up to hiss at him for entering its territory. When he arrived at home, he stopped and hesitated outside his door, wondering if someone would still be up and scream at him for being so late. It was very unlikely, seeing as they had stopped screaming at him by now and mostly just pretended he wasn't around. He might wake them up though, his mother being such a light sleeper and all, which could earn him an array of nasty comments and slurs, if he wasn't careful. As it was, Sirius didn't much care whether he was being careful or not and made sure to stomp extra hard on the door mat to remove as much dirt and mud from his boots as possible.

“Hey you filthy monster,” he coed in a soft voice when he suddenly realized he was being watched by the fat grey cat of the house. It was sitting at the base of the stair, it's large dull eyes watching his every move. “You going to tell on mother? Tell her I'm home late and all muddy and bloody?” he continued and made his voice sound even more sugary. “Come here, Kreacher, and I'll break your neck, little kitty, for all the times you've gotten me into trouble,”

“You shouldn't let mother hear you talk to him like that,” a voice came from up ahead, where the entrance to the kitchen was. Sirius looked up, surprised at hearing his brother talk to him at all, even more surprised to find him out of bed at five or so in the morning.

“Oh if it isn't the prince of the household,” Sirius sighed, kicking his boots off without caring where they landed.

“You look awful,” Regulus mumbled, leaning against the door frame, watching him but obviously ignoring what Sirius had just said.

“How kind of you to say so,” Sirius replied sarcastically and dropped his leather jacket on the floor, too stiff now to move properly it seemed. It was now that he realized he must have left his helmet somewhere along the road because he wasn't wearing it and he hadn't been carrying it either. “Why are you up, anyway?”

“Your friend called me,” Regulus answered, his drawling, almost bored voice kindling a flame in Sirius' chest that burnt its way thought the pain and the tiredness. “Potter, that is,”

“That traitor,” Sirius grunted, suppressing the feelings of loathing he held towards his younger brother as far down into his guy as he possibly could. It was like acid reflux though, impossible to ignore and hard to get rid of, if you didn't have a glass of milk nearby. “And? You thought you'd stay up just so that you could give mother a good report in the morning, is that it?”

“For your information, Sirius, I don't tell mother everything I see and hear, especially not things concerning you,” his brother replied and if Sirius didn't know any better, he would have thought Regulus sounded offended. “For one thing, I hear pretty well what goes on in your room, you know, and there are a lot of things I could tell her that would give her a heart attack on the spot, I'm sure,”

“Is that a threat I hear, dear brother?” Sirius inquired and took a step forward, knowing full well that he was at least a head shorter than the other, but Regulus always backed down when faced with authority, this included Sirius being the older sibling and carrying a lot more rage in him than Regulus could ever muster. This time, however, he did not shy away, and he did not avert his eyes.

“It wasn't,” he just replied and for some reason his body seemed to relax slightly. The ugly cat had stepped over to Regulus now, and was stroking it's side against his legs, eyes still fixed on Sirius. The sight made him feel sick. “Sirius, you're not well, your friends are worried about you,”

“You don't have to tell me what my friends are feeling and not feeling, Regulus,” Sirius interrupted, clenching his jaws as cold sweat broke out all over his back. “And I can take care of my self just fine, but thanks for your concern,”

“I know you can,” Regulus nodded and even took a step or two forward. “I just-..”

“Listen,” Sirius interrupted again, holding a hand up in front of him, both to stop the other and show him he had no intention of letting Regulus get any closer. “As touching as I find your sudden act of devotion to me, Regulus, I must ask you to please not overexert yourself, it doesn't suit you. Now, I'm going to bed, and I would prefer it if you didn't speak to me again until you have something other than false devotion to offer me,”

“But-..”

“Just shut up, will you?” Sirius said before the other had time to form another word. “Can't I even crash with my bike without being judged for my mental health, instead of my actual problem? Which in this case was bad judgement behind the handlebar of a motorcycle, not my mental “instability” as I'm sure you'd put it. It's always a stupid fucking idea to come back home, isn't it? Why did I even think I'd be able to make it to my bed without people second guessing my every move and though? And since when do you even care what my friends think about me, anyway?”

“Sirius, lower your voice,” Regulus tried, holding his hands up slightly as if to calm a barking dog, throwing a nervous glance towards the staircase as if half expecting someone to come downstairs.

“No I will NOT lower my voice, you know why? Because I don't CARE anymore, alright!?” Sirius spat and reached down to grab his jacket again, shoving his feet back into his shoes and reaching for the door handle. “You can suck up to our parents all you want, but I'm through being the only person in this house to know them for the abusive and phobic people they are, Regulus, and I'm though being the only one to pay for it too!”

With that he stormed out of the house again, all tiredness washed from him and his eyes tearing up quickly as he sped down the well kept lawn and down the street. He knew he'd have to go back sooner or later, but he'd rather do it when no one was home, during the day sometime. Maybe he'd pack a bag then and just leave for the Potter's. It would be his best course of action, even though it would mean getting cut off and left without as much as a penny in his pocket. He wiped his eyes angrily on his sleeve, his breath hitching in his throat and his feet slipping around in his boots. He didn't pay much attention to the buildings he passed or the people, who were now getting ready for work, opening shops and cafés all around London.

***

Remus hadn't slept one second that night when Sirius had left on his bike. First, right after it happened, he'd called James to let him know, which had resulted in him picking Remus up from work early and the two of them driving around London, trying to find Sirius. They'd half expected to find him in a ditch somewhere, but when that hadn't happened during the four hours they'd been out, James had taken them to the Potter's and had Remus stay there for the evening. They didn't go back out after that, but as Lily and Peter arrived, they all tried to get ahold of Sirius in different ways, all unsuccessful.

It hasn't been until late in the evening, when the sun was setting and the darkness crept in around them that James had finally managed to get a call through. He'd only talked to Sirius for a minute or two before he came back into the kitchen, pale faced and shaking, sinking into a chair to bury his face in the palms of his hands. It had taken him a while before he could speak, assuring them all that Sirius seemed to be alright, after all. But it was obvious that no matter how strong James had remained throughout the evening, assuring everyone that Sirius was probably fine, he'd been expecting the worst.

When Sirius didn't answer anymore calls that evening, Lily had decided to drive both Remus and Peter home, giving them both assuring hugs and forehead kisses when dropping them off at their houses. She gave Remus and extra hug when they were at his door, smiling slightly, almost in an apologetic way.

“He likes you, you know,” she'd then said. “Even though he didn't answer your calls and all, it's not personal, it's just hard for him sometimes,”

“I know,” Remus had assured with a slight smile, but as she'd driven off and he locked himself safely in his bedroom, he'd cried until morning. He wasn't sure if he was sad or relieved, really. He'd been so scared all night that now he knew Sirius was alright, he was angry with him for not putting them all out of their misery sooner. And he was angry with himself for being angry at Sirius, who probably couldn't be held accountable for his actions, not really.

The next few days Remus stayed at home, only sneaking out to get some food when his parents weren't home or when they were asleep, not doing much else than reading or watching movies in the dark and sleeping during the days. Lily texted him from time to time, giving him updates, or the few news she had about what had been going on at least, and asking him how he was doing. He always answered he was fine but that he couldn't work because of his chronic pain, she didn't question this.

Sirius had gone of the map again, but it seemed James had heard from Sirius' brother that he was at least home. Regulus had let them know that Sirius had seemed upset when he got home and at first he'd gone back out and not returned for almost an entire day, but eventually he'd heard Sirius close the door to his room in the middle of the night and since then the door had been locked and you could hear him walking around in there, so at least he was back. Lily had told Remus that this was something Sirius did sometimes, and since James didn't seem worried, they shouldn't be either. Remus tried not to worry, he really did, but at night when everything was dark around him, that doubt came to him like waves of panic and he couldn't do anything to ward the thoughts off. What if something happened in that room, what if Sirius did something unspeakable without them knowing, what if he needed help and no one thought of even asking him? He'd been in an accident after all...

“Darling,” his mother called outside his door and he woke up in a bit of a start. He had been sleeping since four in the morning and had no idea what time it was. He hadn't counted on his mother even remembering he wasn't at work, since she usually forgot things like that and could go at least a couple of days without realizing he was home at all.

“Yeah, mum?” Remus called back as he scrambled out of bed and pulled on a large cardigan over last nights jeans and stripy T-shirt.

“There was a package for you at the door,” she explained, pushing down the handle on the door before he had the time to unlock it, as if she'd forgotten he almost always kept it locked. “Oh, sorry,” she excused herself when she realized and then waited for him to open and step out onto the landing before she continued while handling him a box shaped package, rapped in what looked like brown paper. “I saw it when I was coming back up the driveway, but I can't swear that it wasn't there this morning, I'm afraid I didn't look closely then. I only saw it now because the neighbours dreadful cat was sniffing it,”

“Thank you,” Remus mumbled and rubbed his eyes before accepting the package. It wasn't very large, the size of two outstretched palms and one palm high, but heavier than he had guessed. “Does it say who it's from?”

“No, dear,” she shrugged and reached out to brush a lock of hair out of his forehead. “I just assumed it was something you'd ordered online. Darling, you really should save your hair out, you're much more pretty with your hair longer,”

“If I had ordered it online there would have been an address slip on it, mum,”

“Oh, yes of course, how silly of me,” she replied and put her fingers to her mouth in an attempt to look amused by her blunder.

“And I'm not saving my hair out,” Remus then added and gave his mother a peck on the cheek before stepping back into his room, feeling dreadful about himself. He was used to her always assuming he wanted to look feminine or say things like “you'd look cuter this way” when really all she wanted was for him to go back to calling himself her daughter. But it always made him feel like this whenever it happened, it seemed no amount of preparation could help him get through it without the feeling of loosing ones self worth.

He sank down on the bed and looked at the package for a moment before opening it slowly, the paper feeling damp beneath his fingers as if it had been standing outside during last nights rainstorm. Inside was indeed a brown cardboard box and inside that one was a glass jar with a black lid. Remus picked it up and realized it was filled with water, in which some nut-shaped seeds floated around aimlessly. Remus looked at them for a moment before realizing there was a small note at the bottom of the box, under which lay a small pamphlet of some sorts. Remus decided to read the note first, which proved very informative.

_Dear Remus,_

_I'm sorry I've been such an insufferable idiot these last few days, and I understand if you feel like distancing yourself from me in the future. Believe me, I wouldn't be mad at you at all.  
I thought, since I've been such a prick, I should make it up to you at least a tiny bit. Inside this jar are some seeds that I thought you might want to plant in your garden, I know you like the flower and thought maybe idk you'd let me come over and water them sometime in the future, when they're all grown and blooming. _

_You should know that I care about you a lot, and if you by any chance haven't got off me just yet, I'd like to make this up to you even more than with just some weird flower seeds. Just, send me a text and I promise I'll answer it this time, otherwise you're allowed to smack me in the face next time you see me._

_Love,_

_Sirius_

_Ps. “love” as in I love you, actually_

Remus wiped his eyes, annoyed that a note had made him cry, but he was smiling all the same as he looked down at the pamphlet, which carried the big header “How to take care of your Moonflower”, with a large, round white flower underneath. It was the same flower Remus had tried to look after in his garden, the ones that bloomed only at night and that Remus had tried with all his might to keep alive. He placed the jar with seeds and water on the table next to his bed and lay with the note in his hand, looking at the soon-to-be flowers swimming around in their water. He'd text Sirius in just a little while, he just had to smile a bit more first.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the last little chapter of this fic, and i hope you all enjoy it! i'd love to hear your thoughts about it but otherwise, have a good one! /theo

Remus found himself being nervous as he walked up the stone steps towards the large, dark front door of the Black family's house. At first, just like during his visit to the party at the Potter's – which seemed like years ago now – he'd been unsure if he was at the right house, but for different reasons this time. The house he had arrived at was an old apartment building, which had made him wonder if maybe the Black family didn't own a house after all, but a penthouse or something like it. As he was now standing on the top most step, he'd come to the conclusion that this family must own an entire compartment of the entire house, since the black door didn't lead into the regular room with a staircase leading to different apartments, instead there was a large sign stating that this was the residence of one single family. At least he was at the right place.

He knocked the door, almost too lightly for it to be heard through the wood, he was sure, but it didn't take more than a couple of seconds before Remus heard the lock turn from the inside. The door was only opened a couple of inches, dark brown eyes peering out at him for half a second before the crack was widened and a young man, somewhat resembling Sirius but taller, skinnier and with a much more prominent nose, looked down at Remus with a slightly vacant expression.

“Remus?” he asked, but although his voice was drawling and the tone casual, Remus could have sworn there was curiosity mixed with worry in the gaze he was given.

“Yeah,” Remus nodded and hurried in through the door as Sirius' brother stepped out of the way.

“Our parents are out for a couple of hours,” Regulus explained and stepped towards the staircase to show Remus the way. As they walked, a fat cat slid past Remus' legs and jumped upstairs next to Regulus, and Remus was reminded of the phone call when he'd first heard about that cat, the call seeming to be at least half a year ago now. “I suggest you don't stick around too long, though, they like to come back unannounced just to be able to find something to complain about. My brother doesn't usually have friends over and I'm pretty sure if they saw you, they'd come to the wrong conclusion,”

“What makes you think it'd be the wrong conclusion?” Remus asked without thinking it through properly, and he immediately regretted asking when Regulus shot him a curious look over his shoulder, dark eyes seeming to slide from Remus' face and down his body before he spoke.

“I never said it would be the wrong conclusion because it wouldn't be a true conclusion,” he said and gave a small grin, which was very different from the grins Sirius used to give Remus, but it wasn't an unpleasant one either. “But my parents wouldn't do anything good when coming to conclusions like that, not to you and certainly not to my brother. He might believe he's invincible at times, but even Sirius knows that it might be for the best to keep certain parts of ones personality hidden from our parents,”

“I see,” was all Remus could say, even though he would have loved to know whether Regulus had experience of this himself, or if it was something he'd come to understand from watching Sirius getting abused for years. But he'd leave that for next time, if he'd ever ask that was. As it was, Regulus had successfully led them up the narrow staircase and across a dark landing, to an equally dark door with the name 'Sirius Black' written on a sign.

“The door's unlocked,” Regulus instructed bur before Remus had a chance to enter the room or say anything else, he continued. “I know my brother thinks me indifferent, to him, to all this, and I would like you to know that I'm not. If I can help him, in any way, please let me know, because he would never admit it to me,”

“Alright,” Remus nodded and gave the other a small smile, not quite knowing if it was alright to promise something like that, but not seeing any other way of responding to the inquiry. He waited another moment to see if Regulus would say anything else, but then pushed down the handle and stepped into the dark room, closing the door behind him.

The air was stuffy in there and all he could see for a moment was the faint outline of the window, which had been covered with thick curtains but the sunlight filtered through it, but only just. He looked towards where he supposed the bed was, believing he could see one of the four posts but nothing else.

“Sirius?” he asked, realizing his voice was shaking. He hadn't seen Sirius in a long time now but he knew he was expected, since Sirius had invited him over himself. Still, it felt strange that this was the first time he entered the other's bedroom, and that Sirius wasn't standing there, smiling in front of him like Remus had imagined it in his head. That fantasy had been from around the same time Remus had learned about the existence of the cat though, which was rather a long time ago. A lot seemed to have changed since then.

“Yeah,” Sirius answered from somewhere in the dark and Remus could hear fabric moving on the bed. “Sorry about the dark, my lamp broke and I couldn't be bothered to get up and fix the curtains,”

“Should I do it?” Remus offered and moved slowly through the room, stumbling twice over things on the floor, thinking they might be solid but soon realizing they were probably clothes.

“I'll help,” Sirius answered when Remus had taken his time getting through the room and within seconds Remus shivered as a brush of air against his outstretched arm told him that the other was close by. “Just... Sorry about the mess in here,” Sirius then said and Remus closed his eyes for just a second when the other's hand brushed against his on top of the thick curtain fabric. He'd missed having Sirius close to him, even though they'd just been casually close like any other friends.

When he opened his eyes again there was sunshine falling on his face and he was almost blinded for a moment, until his eyes got used to the sudden burst of light. Sirius was standing next to him, pale and tired looking, but smiling slightly as Remus met his eyes. He was wearing a very big cardigan and a pair of shorts, which looked like a pair of sweatpants that had been cut of at mid thigh hight. Remus had wanted to say something, maybe reach out to hug the other, but he was distracted when he turned slightly over to the bed, finding the room completely different from the rest of the house.

The darkness that had loomed over him since he entered through the front door hadn't followed him into this room, even though it had clearly been dark when the curtains had been pulled. The walls in here were bright, filled with colours and shapes, the bed was dressed in a white sheet covered in pink flowers and there was cloths everywhere, covered in paint as if Sirius had used them when painting. It wasn't until Remus noticed this that he looked more closely at the walls and his jaw dropped. It was like a hundred jars of paint had exploded in there, with stains on the ceiling and even on the furniture. Everywhere he looked there was more colour, delicate pastels and deep dark blues and reds, shapes he understood and shapes that looked more improvised than planned.

“Did you..?” he half asked, even though he was sure he already knew the answer to the question hanging on the edge of his tongue.

“Yeah,” Sirius replied as he walked back to the bed and threw himself onto it, rolling over on his back to look up at the walls. “It sort of just happened, a couple of days ago,”

“It's beautiful,” Remus mumbled half to himself and reached out to let his hand rest against a big, white flowerlike shape just next to the wall, which had been painted a soft pastel green. He immediately pulled his hand back, looking at it in surprise since it was all white with paint.

“It hadn't dried yet, that,” Sirius explained, folding his arms beneath his head.

“Are these flowers?” Remus asked, looking at the multiple similar shapes next to the one he'd touched, eyes following the white paint that had run down the wall almost like fragile stalks.

“Mhm,” Sirius answered and gave a weak chuckle. “It's, well...”

“Moonflowers,” Remus smiled, ending the sentence for him before pulling his eyes away from the colours and the life to look back at the other. It was painful to see him like this, looking like a dark spot in something so beautiful as his colourful room, eyes clouded and skin almost a greyish pale, like he'd been sick for days. “Sirius...” he mumbled and walked over to the bed, crawling onto it even though he hadn't been allowed.

“Really, Moony, you don't have to look so goddamn serious,” the other said, smiling weakly, but as he did so there was a flash of his usual mischievousness in his eyes. “I'm perfectly alright, especially now that you're here,”

“Moony?” Remus grinned and lay down with his head on the pillow next to the other's. “You couldn't come up with any better name than that?”

“Seeing as James is named after a ghastly christmas sweater and I'm named after a dog,” Sirius grinned and reached out to brush a strand of hair out of Remus' face. “I don't think I could,”

“Fair enough,” Remus agreed. “At least I'll be named after a flower, that ought to count for something,”

“Speaking of which, did you plant the seeds?”

“I did,” Remus nodded and tried not to breathe too quickly, even though the touch of the other's fingers had made his heart race in his chest. “Sirius,” he then said and tried looking more serious, wanting to talk about things that didn't have to do with nicknames and flowers, but the other only shook his head and looked back up at his walls and ceiling.

“I didn't know what I was doing really, when I started painting all this. At first I was painting on canvas but then I ran out of them and I couldn't go out and buy more so I sort of... started painting the walls instead,” he then started explaining, which wasn't what Remus had expected but he didn't interrupt. Instead, he too, turned his head towards the myriad of colours to watch them as Sirius spoke. “I was up for 24 hours straight, just painting... I had this warm feeling in my chest all the time I was doing it, I haven't felt like that before...”

“I think it's beautiful, Sirius,” Remus smiled and dared to reach out to his side, enclosing the other's cold fingers in his own hand. He half expected Sirius to pull away from him, but he didn't.

“It's you,” he said instead and at this Remus got so confused he broke his gaze away from the colourful room to look back at the other. “Or, the feeling I get when you smile at me,” Sirius explained and if Remus hadn't been looking so intently at him, he might have missed the blush spreading over Sirius' cheeks. “I tried to make it into a painting but... a canvas wasn't enough, I guess. It worked better on my walls,”

“You... this is..?” Remus breathed out and looked back at the walls, his stomach all warm as he watched the sunlight falling on the greens and the reds and the blues and the yellows, watched how some strokes were soft and smooth, while others looked like they'd been thrown on by hand, rather than with a brush.

“I'm not good with words,” Sirius mumbled now and turned to the side to look at Remus, who ones again tore his eyes away from the mural all around him to meet Sirius' eyes. “And I have a feeling you don't either, not always,”

“There could be some truth in that, yeah,” Remus smiled and tried not to let a tear or two fall, even though his eyes were stinging. He didn't know what he'd expected when arriving at the Black family's house, but it hadn't been this. Sirius message at the end of his note, the one which had come with the flower seeds, had been rather unclear and confusing to him, especially the last little Ps, and he'd been desperately wanting to ask about that. But now that he was here, he just couldn't bring himself to do it. Probably because he was afraid of what it might mean.

“I'm sorry,” Sirius continued and gripped Remus' hand now, not breaking eye contact. “I can't control this, and most of the time I'm a wreck, but I...” His voice trailed off and he bit his lip hard while sighing deeply.

“You don't have to apologize, not to me,” Remus quickly assured and smiled, his stomach clenching as he moved just a tiny bit closer. “I'm here, and I'll help, as much as I possibly can,”

“I need to get away from this house, Remus,” Sirius half grinned and closed his eyes momentarily. “I can't stay here, especially now that I wrecked the room,”

“You didn't wreck it,” Remus grinned and let go of Sirius' hand, something that made the other open his eyes again, maybe he was worried that Remus had pulled away for a bad reason. But Remus only smiled and reached up to gently stroke his knuckles across the other's cheek - his palm too sweaty from nerves to use when showing affection. “No one's ever painted anything closely related to me before,” he then said and leaned in to let his forehead rest against Sirius'. “I never though anything I did could be this beautiful,”

“In my defence,” Sirius now grinned and Remus' breath hitched in his throat as he felt the other put his arm around his waist, pulling them closer together. “I don't think I did your smile justice,”

“Really?” Remus asked, if only to keep the conversation going when really he was terrified he was still interpreting this whole thing as something it was not.

“Yeah,” Sirius smiled and Remus could feel the other's hands on his back, palms warm, pulling him closer than they'd ever been before. He thought he might faint, actually, because this was something he had only let himself believe would happen for a very short period of time, weeks ago. “Your smile has more... I don't know exactly, but, it's at least more beautiful than this,”

“You're such a charmer, you do know that, don't you?” Remus mumbled and opened his eyes, which he'd kept close as they'd gotten closer. Sirius' nose was almost touching his and his eyes were so near him he could hardly meet them without seeing double. “It's hard to trust anything you say, or to believe you haven't said it to a million others before me,”

“Trust me,” Sirius smiled and reached his left hand to nuzzle in Remus' hair, which sent immediate shivers down his spine, arms and legs. He must have twitched too, because Sirius gave a soft laugh before he continued. “If I had said this to anyone before you, it would have been a lot more rehearsed, I wouldn't have been, you know, trying to reach for words like this,”

“Or maybe you're just reaching for words because you want me to believe you haven't done this before,” Remus teased, knowing full well he could trust that statement. Sirius grunted, still smiling and nudged Remus' nose with his own.

“I'm pretty sure it wouldn't matter to you, even if that was the case,”

“How so?” Remus asked.

“Because I think you wouldn't care even if I had told people the same thing before you,”

“And why wouldn't I care?” Remus inquired, pulling his head away slightly so that he could give the other both a grin and show him his raised eyebrow.

“Because you already know they wouldn't have mattered to me, not like you do,” Sirius smiled, looking slightly worried that he was completely off but letting his fingers move from Remus' thick hair to his cheek, his thumb stroking gently down his jaw for a second. Remus couldn't keep his eyes open at a touch like that, he realized, as he closed them and breathed in deeply. “I've been an asshole,” Sirius then said, his thumb trebling slightly as he spoke.

“You have,” Remus replied, casually, even though he felt like he could burst. “What do you intend to do about it?”

“I was thinking of kissing you, to start with,” Sirius replied after a moments silence and Remus really did burst then, but only in a way that made his ears red and a small sound, almost like a whimper, left his body. “If you wouldn't hate me for it?”

Remus couldn't answer, which was painful, seeing as Sirius was clearly waiting for the green light. All he could do was shake his head in an attempt to tell the other he wouldn't mind at all, which must have looked desperate because Sirius was grinning again when Remus dared to open his eyes and look at him. Sirius' warm thumb brushed for only a blink of an eye against Remus' lips, a moment so short he thought his heart might give up on him and flutter out of his ribcage, and Sirius seemed to understand that feeling.

Remus hadn't really imagined them kissing, he hadn't dared to, to be honest. But even if he had thought of it, he would not have been able to prepare for the feelings that would bubble up inside him when actually feeling Sirius' lips against his own. It was like fireworks and butterflies and a roaring fire all at ones and his fingers gripped the front of Sirius' cardigan so hard his knuckles turned white, afraid he'd get pulled away by force of nature if he didn't hold on. Sirius' lips were slightly dry but cool and soft and Remus was for a split second convinced he'd never felt anything nicer against any part of his skin. But before he'd had time to do more than relax, Sirius grinned and pulled away, his eyes slightly glossy while biting his lips.

“Man,” he said and Remus soon realized he was crying himself. “I've been wanting to do that for longer than I've ever wanted to kiss anyone before,”

“You don't...” Remus tried but his voice broke and he gave a small laugh as the weight he'd been carrying around for weeks lifted from his shoulders. “You don't have to be sappy about it,” he then smiled, leaning his forehead against Sirius' again, the biggest smiled on his face.

“I'll be as sappy as I want to be,” Sirius mumbled, but he was smiling so much he could hardly speak anyway. They lay like that for a long time, just smiling and breathing together, Remus reaching up to pull his fingers through the other's long hair, Sirius drawing circles on Remus' back. “Do you think James will forgive me,” Sirius eventually asked, the change of subject making it obvious that he was actually worried his best friend wouldn't care for him ever again.

“He already has,” Remus assured and stroke Sirius' neck gently with his fingertips. “But I think, seeing as you better get out of here before your parents find out what you've done, you might as well start thinking about your apology for when you arrive at your new home,”

“I wasn't sure he'd let me say with him any longer,” Sirius admitted and the relief in his voice was apparent.

“I promise,” Remus smiled and leaned back slightly to meet the other's eyes again. “Everything will get better, from now on, you don't have to stay here any longer and you won't have to be afraid. James will pick us up in an hour or so, or less, I'm not sure how long really, but he said he'd come, so don't worry,” He paused and stroke a tear from Sirius' cheek. “No one blames you, so don't blame yourself,”

“I'll do my best,” Sirius sighed and kissed him again after a short silence. Remus was struck by this incredible feeling that really he could only be more happy from this moment on, he was sure. There'd be no more longing and second guessing, there would only be this fantastic bundle of warmth in his abdomen and chest, and it would only grow stronger, no matter how cheesy that might sound to anyone else who'd listen.

“Your best is always enough, Sirius.”

“Who's sappy now?”

“Don't spoil it, asshole,”

“Just stating the obvious,”

“If it obvious, keep it to yourself,” Remus mumbled against Sirius' lips again, his smile wider than possible when you're kissing someone. “Just keep quiet and kiss me,”

“If you say so,” Sirius grinned, lips nudging against Remus', tears still on his cheeks.

“I say so,” Remus nodded, his smile growing even further. “I say so.”  


End file.
